http://jamieleigh80.blogspot.com
Friday, May 18, 2012
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
So here we are....
A month out, and things are rocky, but falling into place. Will has moved out, though he still has some things here, which I am working on removing. Work is picking up, thankfully, so no more being stuck in the office. Somehow I feel that things are looking up, though at times it might always seem like it. Just have to keep looking forward...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Closure...
I've been thinking a lot, as I approach the end of my marriage, about closure on things. And I'm thinking that it might be time to find a final resting place for Patrick's ashes. I have such lovely things to remember her by, and then a little ceramic box sitting next to those things, with a plastic baggie full of... her. That piece is a downer. I've been afraid to scatter her ashes, afraid that whereever I choose to do it, I'd end up moving, not be able to go there, and that scares me.
This might sound like a crazy idea, but I am entertaining the notion of taking little amounts of her ashes, and scattering them in places that have good meaning for me. Places that I might have wanted to share with her, things like that. Is that odd?
This might sound like a crazy idea, but I am entertaining the notion of taking little amounts of her ashes, and scattering them in places that have good meaning for me. Places that I might have wanted to share with her, things like that. Is that odd?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Starting this post again....
I've started this post countless times over the last few days, always wanting to let it out, but not quite sure how to say it. So, direct is best.
Will and I are divorcing. It is, obviously, a long story that remains private, but I'm posting this because this means that this blog will change significantly.
That's pretty much all I care to say about it, at this point.
Will and I are divorcing. It is, obviously, a long story that remains private, but I'm posting this because this means that this blog will change significantly.
That's pretty much all I care to say about it, at this point.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Last day of 30...
A year ago today, I was upset. I was about to turn 30. My friends were all in their 20’s. I admit, I was one of those people, I feared it.
But you know what, 30? You actually taught me a lot.
I learned that standing up for yourself is a great thing, but not everyone will like it. People will alienate you for it. But you’re better off without those people.
I learned that judging a book by its cover is something I definitely need to do less of, because
I could have missed out on some awesome people, had I continued to let my preconceived notions get in the way.
I learned that it IS possible to look back on hard times and smile. Maybe not every day, but most days.
I learned that what I want, what I need in life, needs to come first. I can’t be happy with others, if I am not happy with myself.
I learned that, even at 30, high school drama still exists.
I learned that I can have wrinkles on my face, and still be beautiful.
I learned that even when you think you know it all, there is still someone out there who can tell you you’re wrong, without hurting you.
I learned that sometimes, you just have to give in and let yourself be supported for a change.
I am absolutely blessed in life, surrounded by good people, and while it took some struggles to get here, I know it’s where I am meant to be.
So, you know what, 30? I started off hating you, but actually, I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Sadly, our time is over. But I hear your buddy, 31, ain’t so bad. Guess I’ll give him a spin for a year or so.
But you know what, 30? You actually taught me a lot.
I learned that standing up for yourself is a great thing, but not everyone will like it. People will alienate you for it. But you’re better off without those people.
I learned that judging a book by its cover is something I definitely need to do less of, because
I could have missed out on some awesome people, had I continued to let my preconceived notions get in the way.
I learned that it IS possible to look back on hard times and smile. Maybe not every day, but most days.
I learned that what I want, what I need in life, needs to come first. I can’t be happy with others, if I am not happy with myself.
I learned that, even at 30, high school drama still exists.
I learned that I can have wrinkles on my face, and still be beautiful.
I learned that even when you think you know it all, there is still someone out there who can tell you you’re wrong, without hurting you.
I learned that sometimes, you just have to give in and let yourself be supported for a change.
I am absolutely blessed in life, surrounded by good people, and while it took some struggles to get here, I know it’s where I am meant to be.
So, you know what, 30? I started off hating you, but actually, I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Sadly, our time is over. But I hear your buddy, 31, ain’t so bad. Guess I’ll give him a spin for a year or so.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Faith...
I got into a discussion with a friend a few days ago, about faith. I'm not an Atheist by any means, but definitely unsure of my faith, which was only further wounded by losing Patrick.
This friend, B, told me that it was pointless to be angry with God. And that simple sentence made me think about things. That I needed to stop looking at it as such a horrible thing, a punishment, stop beating myself up wondering what I did to deserve that. That I need to realize that having faith isn't always about having the answers. That sometimes, the plan laid out for us will include things that we will possibly never understand, but that will ultimately benefit us in some way.
I still question that faith almost daily, but it's a much more peaceful questioning since then. Hopefully, I can continue down a path that will allow me to make peace with Him, because He DID give me a beautiful daughter, even if only for a few moments.
This friend, B, told me that it was pointless to be angry with God. And that simple sentence made me think about things. That I needed to stop looking at it as such a horrible thing, a punishment, stop beating myself up wondering what I did to deserve that. That I need to realize that having faith isn't always about having the answers. That sometimes, the plan laid out for us will include things that we will possibly never understand, but that will ultimately benefit us in some way.
I still question that faith almost daily, but it's a much more peaceful questioning since then. Hopefully, I can continue down a path that will allow me to make peace with Him, because He DID give me a beautiful daughter, even if only for a few moments.
Monday, May 16, 2011
My own personal crisis mode...
About once a year, I question my life. Namely, coming up to my birthday. I wonder about if I am happy with where I am going, what I am doing. I worry that I'm doing things all wrong.
And I've come to the conclusion that I AM doing things all wrong. I'm punishing myself for things which are not my fault, and standing back when I should be stepping up to defend myself from the the things that are harmful to me.
It's time for big changes around here.
And I've come to the conclusion that I AM doing things all wrong. I'm punishing myself for things which are not my fault, and standing back when I should be stepping up to defend myself from the the things that are harmful to me.
It's time for big changes around here.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
YESSSSSSSS!
My first weight loss goal was "to be under 250lbs" (which hasn't happened in over 2 years).
This morning, my scale read 247. 12lbs lost, folks.
Next goal: 25lbs total. And guess what? I'm already halfway there!!
Life is good.
This morning, my scale read 247. 12lbs lost, folks.
Next goal: 25lbs total. And guess what? I'm already halfway there!!
Life is good.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Why is it odd?
Why is it odd for a woman to openly discuss fertility problems?
There's no real post here, other than that, because there doesn't really need to be. I hear people talk about diseases, illnesses, afflictions, all the time. But if you mention that you are having a hard time conceiving, people lock up.
I challenge each and every one of you to openly mention your own fertility problems, or someone else's (within reason, don't be blabbin other people's business!!), today. To not be ashamed of what is happening to you. To make people aware. And maybe you'll find that there is someone else around you that has similar problems, but never felt comfortable speaking up, felt alone.
There's no real post here, other than that, because there doesn't really need to be. I hear people talk about diseases, illnesses, afflictions, all the time. But if you mention that you are having a hard time conceiving, people lock up.
I challenge each and every one of you to openly mention your own fertility problems, or someone else's (within reason, don't be blabbin other people's business!!), today. To not be ashamed of what is happening to you. To make people aware. And maybe you'll find that there is someone else around you that has similar problems, but never felt comfortable speaking up, felt alone.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Strike 3 (5?)
I put my foot down today. AF reared her head, and I lost it. I called my doctor, and told him I am not refilling my last Clomid Rx. He agreed to send me to an RE, first I have an appointment in 2 weeks for an annual, and then we'll get the referral.
It sucks that I'll lose 1-2 cycles to the appointments, but it already feels better, knowing that we're moving ahead. Now I'm hoping that my sanity holds out if the RE wants to do something more invasive.
It sucks that I'll lose 1-2 cycles to the appointments, but it already feels better, knowing that we're moving ahead. Now I'm hoping that my sanity holds out if the RE wants to do something more invasive.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day....
I will admit, I have felt very sorry for myself today. I've cried a few times today. But what makes me cry the most is knowing that I was so very blessed to have held my sweet little girl. As badly as it scared me, I'm glad she gasped for air. Because it means, if only for a few minutes, I got to see her move. I don't have to have only memories of her being so eerily still.
I'm not a religious person, but a part of me believes that I would not have been given the gift of being a mother if I didn't deserve it. Even if it was only for a few moments.
The part that KILLS me, though, is not being able to hold her ever again.
I'm not a religious person, but a part of me believes that I would not have been given the gift of being a mother if I didn't deserve it. Even if it was only for a few moments.
The part that KILLS me, though, is not being able to hold her ever again.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I have high hopes.
This cycle actually worked out perfectly. I thought it would be a bust - but I ovulated right before I left for my last trip, and we managed to do the deed a few good times around then. So... I am hopeful. There are a few other factors, which I would say are contributing to my positive vibe, but we'll keep those secret for now. ;)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Check that off the bucket list...
I can now officially say that I have driven through the middle of Manhattan, mid-day. And I thought Chicago traffic was bad...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
You remember when you were taught to pay attention? Yeah, I guess I don't...
While on a trip to New York for work this week, I had to ride the subway to my destination (a first for me). Now, I'm used to Chicago L trains. Color coded, you stand on the BLUE PLATFORM to take the BLUE TRAIN...
I had no idea that when you hit up the platform for the 4 train in New York, the 2, 3, and 5 also stop there. So PAY ATTENTION to the sign on the side of the train. I ended up two stops down before I realized my oops, and then went I went to rush off at the next stop, I totally ATE IT on the concrete in my haste to exit the train.
Since I'm typing this, I very obviously survived, and I made it to my destination (45 minutes late), but I'm pretty sure a little piece of my pride is left down on that Atlantic St. platform. LOL!
I had no idea that when you hit up the platform for the 4 train in New York, the 2, 3, and 5 also stop there. So PAY ATTENTION to the sign on the side of the train. I ended up two stops down before I realized my oops, and then went I went to rush off at the next stop, I totally ATE IT on the concrete in my haste to exit the train.
Since I'm typing this, I very obviously survived, and I made it to my destination (45 minutes late), but I'm pretty sure a little piece of my pride is left down on that Atlantic St. platform. LOL!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I'm determined to write more...
Sometimes, I think I'm a bit guarded on my blog. I worry about sounding negative all the time. So I write nothing.
Truthfully, I'm a bitter bitch lately. We're on the Clomid, I'm temping, and using OPKs, and I'm already tired of it. I look around at people who have 2, 3, 4 kids, and have no problem getting pregnant, and I want to scream. I would have thought that after 2 years, a little bit of the bitterness would go away, but it just seems to be getting worse by the moment.
Truthfully, I'm a bitter bitch lately. We're on the Clomid, I'm temping, and using OPKs, and I'm already tired of it. I look around at people who have 2, 3, 4 kids, and have no problem getting pregnant, and I want to scream. I would have thought that after 2 years, a little bit of the bitterness would go away, but it just seems to be getting worse by the moment.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I am substantially horrible
at having anything remotely interesting to say.
Perhaps it's because I have the same thing on my mind, all the time? Maybe it's just a lack of anything interesting to write about.
I'm mentally blocked, for this venue. Bleh.
Perhaps it's because I have the same thing on my mind, all the time? Maybe it's just a lack of anything interesting to write about.
I'm mentally blocked, for this venue. Bleh.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Ugh!!
Blood pregnancy test negative, back on the Provera. 2 cycles of Clomid left, at 100mg. Back on the Metformin. Starting to question how far I'm willing to go for this. Not a good day. I know that many other people have been through far worse in their quest for kids, but mentally, I'm draining fast.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Eff you, Jillian Michaels...
Did the 30 Day Shred last night. Now, I'm not planning on doing the program in just 30 days. You see, (and this is not excuses, just facts), I am too fat to do her program fully.
Hear me out.
She claims jumping jacks can be done by anyone, as well as pushups. Um... have you ever had a good 50lbs of straight up FAT bouncing up and down on your midsection as you do your jumping jacks, Jillian? It causes a wave effect, so boobs also fly up, and even the best bra can't keep a set of DD's down. And it just plain HURTS. The skin pulling like that, I mean.
Also, pushups are really shitty on someone how has carpal tunnal in both wrists.
On the flip side, I do love the circuit training/muscle confusion method, because I don't get bored and it goes pretty quickly. I don't mind the abs routines, or the strength training, because it burns, but I can make it through, and do the exercises properly.
So for right now, I plan on alternating the 30 Day Shred, and a weight loss yoga DVD I have. Until I can comfortably (ok, well not COMFORTABLY, but without feeling like my giant stomach is going to fall off) do the jumping jacks. The pushups are just something I'll have to keep at too.
Then, Jillian Michaels, I will accept your challenge fully.
Hear me out.
She claims jumping jacks can be done by anyone, as well as pushups. Um... have you ever had a good 50lbs of straight up FAT bouncing up and down on your midsection as you do your jumping jacks, Jillian? It causes a wave effect, so boobs also fly up, and even the best bra can't keep a set of DD's down. And it just plain HURTS. The skin pulling like that, I mean.
Also, pushups are really shitty on someone how has carpal tunnal in both wrists.
On the flip side, I do love the circuit training/muscle confusion method, because I don't get bored and it goes pretty quickly. I don't mind the abs routines, or the strength training, because it burns, but I can make it through, and do the exercises properly.
So for right now, I plan on alternating the 30 Day Shred, and a weight loss yoga DVD I have. Until I can comfortably (ok, well not COMFORTABLY, but without feeling like my giant stomach is going to fall off) do the jumping jacks. The pushups are just something I'll have to keep at too.
Then, Jillian Michaels, I will accept your challenge fully.
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