My brain is a mess...

As is my house, my car, my purse, and my desk at work... yep, it's October! I lose any and all sense of organization this month - since I more or less work 7 days a week now. FML!

I need desperately to get back on track.

And don't point me to FlyLady.com, cause I get the emails. LOL! That doesn't mean I find the motivation to DO them, though!

A down type of day...

I love that people are quick to tell me that I'm allowed to have down days still.

No, that wasn't sarcasm. I think sometimes I need to be reminded that I don't always have to have an iron front.

I spend a lot of energy telling my story and keeping a straight face, the perfect front. I spend a lot of energy to act as though I'm perfectly, 100% fine.

I also do this around people I don't get along with, but that's a discussion for another day.

I just can't help but feel like a bit of a failure. I know I'm not past my prime. I know people have children all the time, who are older than me.

But all this has been this crazy sort of kick in the face reminder that life is not everlasting.

It's official....

Dr. P confirmed it as PCOS. I'm relieved that I have an answer, but sad because to correct this, I'm now officially on birth control. The dreaded BC. I know, in the long run, this will help things, but I can't help but feel a little defeated that, at least for now, I won't be getting my BFP anytime soon....

Wii Fit is de debbil.

Day 41. Clear view ahead. WHAT. THE. F@$!?!?

C'mon, mother nature, I know you're in a gifty mood. Pass along the worst gift ever, and move on, so's I can get on makin us a bebeh.

And F the Wii Fit. F it right in the A.

Day 37. I hate my reproductive organs.

37 days? For pete's sake. What a pain in my butt.

There's got to be something going on here...

I just don't feel right. Part of me is wishing it's cause I'm pregnant, but the other part of me thinks I'm not. I'm irritable, crampy, tired, and achy, I really hope I'm not sick. There's just no good explanation for how I'm feeling other than being knocked up, and it's too early to tell on a pee stick if I am. What a pain in my ass.

I'm too impatient for my own good. I know this, but I can't get past it.

I did, however, make quit the life statement to my mom last night. I flat out told her that I know that everyone else seems to think I'm nuts for wanting a baby so bad, and I've been letting everyone's opinions affect me, but...

I'M 29 YEARS OLD! I'm a fucking adult! Let me do what I want! It's not like I'm 16 and trying to get pregnant. I'm well beyond the scary oops years. We've been married 2 years (anniversary is 1 month from today) and we're finally on our feet, and things are going pretty well. We have our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but that's just life. And I'm tired of waiting around for other people to tell me that what I am doing is "right" or "wrong". Fuck 'em. I'm doing what I want. And what I want, at 29 years old, is to start a family. This is definately not a strange desire.

2WW, hurry up and end!

TTC, DPO, 2WW.... a girl could get lost in the acronyms...

So, we only pulled off one attempt this month. How sad is that? BUT....

The one attempt landed on my O date.

Dear god, I mean, I knew I was fertile based on CM, but we picked a pretty good date to do the deed huh?

Now we wait. Argh!