Saturday, June 13, 2009

I haven't posted much, but today seems like a good day...

Some days are harder than others. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'm excited about moving (YAY!) but it hurts my heart to know that we should have been using the second bedroom as a nursery. Things are going according to the plan I had, minus the baby that should have been coming into the world to reside there, too.

It hurts to know that I was excited about spending my birthday on Monday feeling my baby kick the crap out of me. What a sweet birthday present that would have been. But no.

My head is full of emotions I can't even explain. It almost seems weird to be so happy about moving when I really just want to scream and cry, some days.

I'm doing better, but am by no means back to whole, and that scares me, more than anything. Because I don't think I ever will be.

I was talking with a co worker on Friday about how I always had these big plans, things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30, and now that's just a year away. And none of it's done. That's just plain depressing. And I never really feel different on my birthdays, as much as you'd think you would. Until this year.

Monday's going to be tough, I think. I should have been preparing to be a mom... not waking up every morning to take my temperature and log it, wondering when, or even IF, I'll get the chance again.