Tuesday, December 22, 2009
There really is nothing new to report. I was hoping to be able to give out cutesy little "We're having a baby" Christmas presents, but considering we've got 3 more days until Christmas, well, that idea was shot down long ago. Are Easter presents acceptable? Of course, this is all assuming my uterus decides to co-operate, which thus far, it has not. We won't go into specifics, but I'm pretty sure she's on strike.
In other news, I got a new insult at work today - a customer told my boss he was repulsed by me. All because I tried to give him some cleaning tips, so that he wouldn't send in a dirty machine, so I wouldn't have to charge him a cleaning fee. I'm sorry my trying to save you $305 was such an insult, sir. How dare I say he's not cleaning his machine right... when he just told me he was doing it wrong... hmm... the joys of customer service!
There you go, first update in 2 months, and it's... boring. Such is life.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
I need desperately to get back on track.
And don't point me to FlyLady.com, cause I get the emails. LOL! That doesn't mean I find the motivation to DO them, though!
Monday, September 7, 2009
No, that wasn't sarcasm. I think sometimes I need to be reminded that I don't always have to have an iron front.
I spend a lot of energy telling my story and keeping a straight face, the perfect front. I spend a lot of energy to act as though I'm perfectly, 100% fine.
I also do this around people I don't get along with, but that's a discussion for another day.
I just can't help but feel like a bit of a failure. I know I'm not past my prime. I know people have children all the time, who are older than me.
But all this has been this crazy sort of kick in the face reminder that life is not everlasting.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I'm too impatient for my own good. I know this, but I can't get past it.
I did, however, make quit the life statement to my mom last night. I flat out told her that I know that everyone else seems to think I'm nuts for wanting a baby so bad, and I've been letting everyone's opinions affect me, but...
I'M 29 YEARS OLD! I'm a fucking adult! Let me do what I want! It's not like I'm 16 and trying to get pregnant. I'm well beyond the scary oops years. We've been married 2 years (anniversary is 1 month from today) and we're finally on our feet, and things are going pretty well. We have our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but that's just life. And I'm tired of waiting around for other people to tell me that what I am doing is "right" or "wrong". Fuck 'em. I'm doing what I want. And what I want, at 29 years old, is to start a family. This is definately not a strange desire.
2WW, hurry up and end!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The one attempt landed on my O date.
Dear god, I mean, I knew I was fertile based on CM, but we picked a pretty good date to do the deed huh?
Now we wait. Argh!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Oh, and the neighbor I mentioned yesterday, who got upset over the note on the car? She CALLED THE LANDLORD! LOL! Who promptly emailed me and told me she was fine with me putting parking notices on cars, but that I should have asked the neighbors if their cars were there. Um.... I knocked on everyone's doors before I did it... maybe the snotty Coach-carrying yupster should have answered her door. (Although, in hindsight, I really should have known that the silver Volvo was theirs, haha).
Then again, I doubt she could hear it over the sounds of her children trampling around her apartment like elephants.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Everything in my life lately has been one big ball of uncomplete, open ended events. Completion is something I get little of.
AF showed up today. Thank god. While a positive pregnancy test would be grand, I just don't want to have any mishaps again, and since I'm still in the middle of all this testing, this is a blessing in disguise. Now onto bigger and better things - like "practice" for the main event. ;)
On the issue of getting unpacked and settled into the apartment, well, that got put on hold in favor of quilting this weekend, but rest assured I will get back into the swing of things this week (only because my sewing machine is buried in the other room, and I need it to continue the quilt. HAHA). At least SOMETHING is motivating me.
I am also extremely thankful for the END of the Taste of Summer here in town. I resorted, today, to writing nasty notes to the people who parked in our spots, which backfired on me when I accidentally put them on the NEIGHBOR'S cars, and they got pissed. Well, sue me. At least I didn't call the tow company and have every car but ours towed. You didn't answer your door when I knocked to ask which cars were yours, so oh well. The neighbor lady hates me now, I think, but A) the note said "If you're not a resident of 910 Main...", and you are, so you should have disregarded any further text, and B) You can't tell me it doesn't piss you off when you have to walk 3 blocks with your two loud ass kids when these people blatantly disregard the private parking signs and steal our spots. Pull the stick out of your ass, lady.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
See, here's my issue. I'm torn between wanting a positive, and wanting to wait another month or two to get this as of yet unexplained blood sugar problem I have under control. (I'm pretty dang sure, based on how I've been feeling lately, that I'm going to be handed a blood sugar monitor at my doctor's appointment next weekend).
The waiting is what's killing me. I can handle a negative. Hell, I've had three negatives in the last week. (Yes, I am obsessively testing). And I've felt not a twinge of anything when I see the negatives.
But with no sign of AF, I am starting to feel broken. Or... like, incomplete. Like a sentence with no period
See? Isn't that annoying? It's not the end of the world, but looking at that sentence, doesn't it make you want to draw a lil dot on your computer screen? ;)
I would just like some sort of definitive end to this cycle. I really don't want to get AF too late in the month, because, well, wouldn't that be some shit, being all moody and CRABBY on 7/31/2009....
And speaking of... the day is fast approaching. I'm not sure how that's affecting me yet. It's SO SCARY to think that right now, I would be :::GASP::: 38 weeks pregnant. I know in my heart I'll be a mom some day, but the reality of the fact that I'm fast approaching 30 is setting in.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Good news: I WON SOMETHING!! First off, must give love to my girl - http://the818.com. It's a super fun blog, and this is one super fun girl (I have the pleasure of hearing lots of fun details about her upcoming pregnancy on a message board we both frequent) and she had a drawing for a super AWESOME Dalla Nonna Calendar Necklace. And guess who won? ME! And I never win ANYTHING!
Did I mention, also, that mom bought a new car, and is handing her old one off to me, so no more sharing a car for Will and I?
Perhaps things are turning around....
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I'm excited about moving (YAY!) but it hurts my heart to know that we should have been using the second bedroom as a nursery. Things are going according to the plan I had, minus the baby that should have been coming into the world to reside there, too.
It hurts to know that I was excited about spending my birthday on Monday feeling my baby kick the crap out of me. What a sweet birthday present that would have been. But no.
My head is full of emotions I can't even explain. It almost seems weird to be so happy about moving when I really just want to scream and cry, some days.
I'm doing better, but am by no means back to whole, and that scares me, more than anything. Because I don't think I ever will be.
I was talking with a co worker on Friday about how I always had these big plans, things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30, and now that's just a year away. And none of it's done. That's just plain depressing. And I never really feel different on my birthdays, as much as you'd think you would. Until this year.
Monday's going to be tough, I think. I should have been preparing to be a mom... not waking up every morning to take my temperature and log it, wondering when, or even IF, I'll get the chance again.
Friday, May 29, 2009
This is going to get complicated, so pardon my lack of tact, but what I'm about to say is the easiest way to explain all this...
Our baby was like a Barbie Doll. Ambiguous genitalia, and NO HOLES. None. Meaning, baby could not "pee" to create the amniotic fluid, because it had nowhere to come out of. There was a "bump" on the front of the pelvis, coupled with a lack of a vaginal opening, HOWEVER, chromosomal testing revealed a XX. That's right, folks. Patrick is a Patricia.
The internal organs were fairly well formed, given the circumstances, but there was no vaginal opening, the urethra didn't reach the outside, and there was no anus. Barbie Doll. Yeah, it's tactless, but it gets the point across.
The name of this syndrome is Urorectal Septum Malformation Sequence. This explains the long wait for the results - they had no idea what they were dealing with!
We're blown away, and have been laughing hysterically since we got all this info. It's not "funny" but it's typical that something so random would happen to me - I have bad luck like that. And that's all it was - luck. There is suspicion that this can be caused by uncontrolled blood sugar levels, so they've recommended I get a full diabetes screening, but even if I have diabetes, and WAS managing it at the time, it wouldn't have necessarily prevented this.
A fluke, ladies. And according to this OB (the one who delivered baby... girl?!?) once I've done the screening, and taken the steps necessary based on the results, we most certainly can try again.
Feel free to ask any questions you'd like - this is beyond random, for sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. Definitely not the answers I was expecting, but its answers, and I feel tons better.
Oh, and also, this was not genetic, so no testing other than an ultrasound would have clued us into this. And earlier ultrasounds might not have revealed any of this because the organs weren't big enough to recognize the abnormalities yet. So.... we really couldn't have found out any sooner than we did. Which also comforts me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I feel compelled to update my blog, but since I’m at work, I’m forced to do it all James Bond-esque. Soooo, right now, this is actually being typed into a Word docutment at 8pt font. HAHA. I go to such great lengths to avoid working…
We go to the geneticists on Friday at 12:30 to get all the results of Patrick’s testing. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Talk about drawing out the experience. I find my whole experience sad, and I’m not talking about losing my baby, either. I expect that to be heartbreaking. What sucks even worse is being treated like a statistic, being brushed off, and not given answers. Even if the answer is “fluke”, “we don’t know”, at least make it look like, for 5 minutes, you care that I lost my kid, mmmkay? Thanks.
Apartment hunting is going terribly. I feel like we’re never going to find anything. Then I see my neighbors, who rent, and with as asshole-ish as they are, I know SOMEONE, somewhere will rent to us. There is always hope. I just have to keep searching for the perfect place.
I’m sure I will have more to say on Friday, but until then, toodles!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
However, if all goes well, I'll be using that half day to move into a new apartment... Will and I may have FINALLY found a place...
On the flip side, where, oh where is Aunt Flo???
Ambien in my system = a short post, because it's taking me forever to type. LOL
Friday, April 24, 2009
Let me back up.
Today, I enjoyed the weather. I ate well again. And I went to the gym after work. I simply walked on a treadmill. I walked because I want to walk in a March of Dimes walk, for Patrick, and I don't want to die while doing it. LOL! I did a little over 2 and a half miles (the March of Dimes walks are 4 miles).
Then, after going and getting food with Will, I drove home. And did something I've always loved, but haven't done in a long time. I drove, and I sang. I drove out of my way, and sang some more.
I sang some country, some rock, some sad songs, some happy ones.
But I sang, louder, harder, longer, than I have in a long time. It wasn't that weak ass singing I've been doing lately, the stuff that makes me cringe when I do it at Karaoke and sound like a asshole.
It was true, good, deep singing. It was the singing I did before, and during, my pregnancy. It was singing that I haven't gotten CLOSE to since I lost him, that every time I attempted, I started to cry.
That was some good stuff.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I just want some answers, people. Is this so much to ask??
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I just lost my son halfway through my pregnancy, the pregnancy where I even ASKED about my weight, and I was alright, and now you're going to suddenly tell me I'm too fat to get pregnant, wait 8 months and ask again if you drop some weight, fatty? I just LOST my SON? I have babies on the brain constantly? And you want me to wait 8 months "at least"? HAHAHAHA
Bite my fat arse, and find a new patient, cause I'm sure as hell finding a new doctor.
Now if only AF would show up and let me know that things are working a bit more normally down there, I wouldn't even have needed a dang followup to tell me that everything else is fine. Ugh.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I’m not talking about a gray, nasty day, but one where the sun’s out, just hidden by clouds. But you know it’s there, and you can still feel its warmth…
Can kind of apply to all aspects of life, can’t it?
I’m tempted to go out tonight. But I know when the time comes I’ll doubt it… I really don’t want to lose it in public, especially if Will’s not there. I depend on him a lot, these days. Seems like sometimes, he’s the only one who understands how I feel. He lost Patrick, just as I did. It’s a little sad how all of this has seemed to bring us closer together. I feel more secure in my marriage than ever. (Even though the depression would make me think otherwise, at times).
And on that note, I definitely feel for anyone who’s suffered depression, true depression, in their lifetime. You always say you’re depressed, but when it actually happens to you, you’ll know it, and it will suck royally. Because there’s no logical explanation for how horrible you feel, which only brings you down farther… I’m just glad that my bouts with it have been easy enough that I can acknowledge it and not let it ruin me.
This is going to be a long day, I can already tell.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
It made me think a bit, and here's the conclusion I've come to (mind you, this is also considering the fact that I'm starting to chart and will start temps tomorrow, to start building a database for when we are given the go ahead to try again).
I'm not ready to have another baby.
But I wasn't ready for Patrick, either.
As scared as I am of what could happen the next time, I know if I let fear rule my life, there's a lot of things I would never have done. Including getting pregnant with Patrick, or holding him as he was passing, things that blow my mind still that I was able to do.
I'll never be ready, fully. I'll always have a scar on my heart, and I'll always mourn him.
But I also refuse to sit around waiting until the "perfect" opportunity comes along, because itnever will. So, I'm charting now, to try to figure out when my body's back into whack (and let's hope it gets there) and then when the doctors say we can, we'll try again. It's all we can do.
As sad and shocked and lonely and upset as I can feel at times, I also refuse to live in the past.
R.I.P., little man. Mommy and Daddy love you to bits.
P.S. The "trying" is the fun part, anyways, right? Hehehe.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.
Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.
When you become pregnant you enter a big club for women. Its a subculture. You are accepted into the club with open arms. But when you loose the baby youare no longer a part of this club and you can no longer "fit right back in" to where you were before you were pregnant. You are in limbo. There's no where to go.
At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."
One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)
One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."
Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?
One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.
It's enough to drive you insane.
And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.
You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.
When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.
The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.
You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept.
The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. Other people around her have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing. And you will be amzed at what a little thing does to help. Such loving and kind words at a time of loss has the most profound feelings of healing and acceptance. Its the difference between "not knowing how to get through this" and "gee maybe I can get through this after all." Thats the power that supportvie actions have on a woman who has just had a miscarriage.
Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;
Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:
Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.
Don't Avoid her. She may feel totally rejected. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a womens issue.
Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself. She doesn't need "cheering up" she needs love and to talk about whats happened.
Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so. It will feel like you are shutting out her deep feelings of sadness.
Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem, she wanted her new one just as much as she wanted the others. Each child is unique.
Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether it took her five minutes or five years to conceive she's still experienced a huge loss that has profoundly changed her life. She is now a different person.
The best thing that you can do is:
Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.
Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.
Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."
Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.
Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.
Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.
Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.
Treat her miscarriage like you would the death of a loved one in her family- because the baby was a loved one who has indeed died.
And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.
Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again. Just a gentle support, a loving message, a phone call to say hi will be appreciated in ways she may not be able to express. Never underestimate how good your love can be
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I'm no stronger than anyone else, emotionally... I'm just strong enough to make the choice to move forward.
The things I said yesterday were things that DO go through my mind. When people tell me they're here for me if I need to talk, those are the things I WANT to say. The problem is that I also don't want to say those things out loud. They're pretty dark, pretty morbid, pretty disturbing. That was just a vent from the dark part of my soul, right now.
But really, 95% of the time, I'm doing ok. Have no fear. I don't give up that easily. I will move forth, and soon be pregnant again. I'm still determined to have enough kids to take over the world. ;o)
Monday, April 6, 2009
Physically, they were the same, if not worse than a natural labor, because of the drugs.
Mentally? Well, let's see. Take a woman, tell her she's going to have a little version of her in, oh, 7 months. Let her listen to the heartbeat, the heartbeat coming from INSIDE OF HER. Then, halfway through, tell her oops, nope, sorry, baby's not ok. Make the choice.
Make the choice to kill your child.
Sure, it was the best choice, given the circumstances. Sure, it's better than going in one day and being told your baby is no longer alive.
Make the choice. Make the choice to end another human being's life. Make the choice to shake up his world, his once cozy home. To surround him by moaning, yelling, tightening. We have no idea how a baby processes pain, Mrs. Oliver. We don't know when, for sure, he'll die, Mrs. Oliver. But make the choice. To sit yourself in a hospital room and wait to deliver your baby. He can't talk. Take whatever drugs you need, Mrs. Oliver. As much as you want, drug yourself, drug the baby. Let random people walk in every hour hours and jam pills so far up your fucking most private of areas, that you've got bruises on the surrounding areas.
Make the choice. It's the right choice. But no one said it was the easy one.
Sit in a hospital bed, staring at your husband, asleep, your husband, who helped you create this life, knowing he'll never understand what you do. Knowing that his heart will hurt as much as it possibly can, and being thankful he won't know how much worse it can get.
Sit at home the night before, feeling little kicks to your bladder, knowing your child is in there, and make the choice to force the baby out.
It's for the baby's own good, they said. What about mine? What about the fact that I have to live with that choice every god damned day of my life, however long that may be?
Take your tiny little son from the nurses, Mrs. Oliver. Only hold him out in front of you, like he's some foreign object, because he's too small to cradle fully in your arms. Feel his body jerk as he desperately tries to gasp for air.
Stare death right in the fucking face, and beg for its mercy, beg that somehow you can give your life for this tiny little baby's. You don't know what pain is until you've truly looked death in the eye and said take me, and meant it with every fucking ounce of your being.
Feel your heart break as you feel life slide right out of you, and know in your heart that it inevitably means death.
Hold something in your hands that was INSIDE YOUR BODY only a few moments ago. Look at beauty in its purest form and have it stolen away from you. Feel its warmth drain away, like a flower wilting, but so fast, too fast.
Watch your husband only look at his son, because he can't hold him. Because it's just too painful. Your father in law break down sobbing worse than a child at the sight of his grandson. Your mother, running from the room because her grandson is dying right in front of her and she can't do anything to save him, or to save the sanity of her daughter. Understand, finally, how much your mother loves you, because it's how much, and more, you love this tiny little man in your hands.
With every tiny jerk and gasp he makes, feel another part of your heart break away, even though moments ago you thought it was already gone.
Pick up your baby, YOUR SON, and feel him so cold, like ice, through two blankets. So cold you could scream, so cold you instinctively hold him closer to warm him. So darkly colored because, guess what? HE'S DEAD. Refuse to leave your dead son laying anywhere but in your hands for as long as you are there, because you hope and pray that every minute you hold him, somewhere, somehow, his soul feels that much more love coming from you. That if you don't put him down, this won't end, you won't have to walk away.
HOLD YOUR DEAD SON IN YOUR HANDS AND THEN TELL ME ABOUT PAIN.
Be a woman giving birth to life, but make her watch it die. Be a woman, having to make a choice to kill her baby before a deformity does.
Be a mother, without a child to hold anymore.
I want to talk about it, so badly, I want to SAY these things, instead of just thinking them, or blogging them. But this is shit that pulls you to a place most people can't understand. Nor do I want them to.
So fuck you, my shit didn't hurt. The pain of contractions hurts, to a degree, but the pain of waiting for your child to die makes the rest 10 times stronger.
And for those of you wanting me to talk about it a bit more, get it out, you say? If you thought you understood an ounce of what I am going through, maybe you'll rethink that now.
I appreciate everyone's concern, but the worst part of this is knowing that no one can really understand where I am at, mentally, even if you've been through this exact same thing, because it's different for everyone.
And I hope that anyone reading this never truly understands anything I've said here, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
My poor brain just needs a break, I think.
I'm back on my diet, but not sticking to it very well. Baby steps, right? I need to start working out but there's a lack of space at our house and since Chicago gets SNOW IN APRIL, walking is not yet an option. This weekend is supposed to be nicer, perhaps I can start then.
Just feeling a lot lately like my life has no purpose. At all.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong.
All day today I've felt like there are tears just under the surface. The more I wonder why I feel this way, the more frustrated I become. The more frustrated I get, the more I want to cry. It's a never ending cycle. I've never felt this down in my life, and it's scaring me. A lot.
Please, please, please let this pass. Before I lose my mind, or have to call my doctor and admit how I feel and be sent to a freaking shrink.
No offense to anyone who seeks therapy, I've been in therapy before. Until I told her to go to hell, because she told me all my problems were my mom's fault.
That kinda turned me off to therapy, lol.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
The bleeding has stopped, for now. Let's hope it stays that way for a month!
And let's hope that the prescription I FINALLY got today helps the sleeping situation. I feel I'd be in a much better mental state with a few good solid hours of sleep in me! (The Long Island-induced sleep this weekend didn't count, since I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed!)
Now I wait, impatiently, for my followup, and some answers.
Monday, March 30, 2009
My son should not be in a box on my kitchen table right now. My son should be in my belly, warm and safe and cozy. But it wasn't meant to be that way. So, we ate dinner with him nearby, and a little part of him hangs near my heart. And breaks it over and over again. And yet, fills it with love, that I got to see his little tiny STOLEN nose (it was mine first!!) and daddy's big ears.
With one breath, he stole all of mine. But I can't cry today. It feels like it's going to come, but doesn't. I don't he wants me to cry today. It's a good day, he is home.
On the flip side, I had a yummy before bed snack of a caramel apple, topped with an Ambien chaser (no, my prescription did not get filled, I just have a generous grandma, on the same meds). I'm off to try, once again, to get some much needed sleep. And perhaps let out a few of the tears brimming beneath the surface.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.
But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.
Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.
If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.
One week already. This hurts.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I wore a tight bra to bed last night, plus wrapped a giant ace bandage around myself. When finished, I looked like a fat man. HAHA. While Will was at work, he got some cabbage and brought it home for me, so I'm going to try the cabbage leaves in the bra trick at night - we'll see how that goes - NOT looking forward to that!
My butterfly pendant has shipped and I am crossing my fingers that it gets here by Wednesday - I'm now kicking myself that I didn't just pay for the faster shipping. I would prefer it to come in before we pick up Patrick's ashes from the funeral home, as they have offered to fill it for me when we go there, and truth be told, while I have been handling things quite well, I think having to pop open the bag of my son's ashes and scoop some out would be more than even I can handle.
Here's hoping these last few things will fall into place, and the boobs will calm down a bit, and we can just move along through the grieving process.
And on a lighter note, the March of Dimes Virtual Band in Patrick's name is now up to $525! I can't believe it!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
I started to pack up some maternity clothes that I hadn't quite grown into yet. I don't think I will need the pants anymore either, there's already a difference in fit, and I hadn't gained much to begin with. So, no time like the present to get back onto the diet I was on pre pregnancy. I felt like the weight I lost was what got us pregnant in the first place (2 years of unprotected sex with no result, I lose 25lbs and suddenly we were pregnant... what do you think??) So it's time to get back on that. Perhaps it will help for next time...
I am confident there will be a next time. We were never trying and I think we will go back to our same method of letting fate decide what is best for us.
Here's hoping that fate decides sooner than later. In the meantime, I can focus on what's getting me through this - raising money for a good cause. The March of Dimes page in Patrick's name has raised $505 so far! What an amazing, generous gift, and most of it from people who don't even know us, and have just been following our story here through this blog.
I will never forget, ever in my lifetime, the generosity of strangers. And I plan on telling my future children all about this as well, so maybe they'll be inspired to give back someday as well.
Friday, March 20, 2009
What wonderful people these are. As of now, this has been open for 2 hours and already has $300 in donations! What a wonderful way to help us realize that something good can come out of something so sad!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I should be ready to be released around 3pm. At that time, our beautiful baby will head off to be autopsied. Hopefully between this and the genetic testing we've asked for, we can find out a little more about why this happened.
Then, a funeral home in our town will pick him up and prepare him and cremate him.
A friend of mine who knows my love for butterfly jewelry found the most beautiful creamtion pendants that you can seal a loved one's ashes in. I plan on buying one shortly so that a little piece of my baby boy will be always close to my heart.
The rest of the ashes, I plan on having a tree planted somewhere, in a local park maybe, dedicated to Patrick, and spread his ashes there.
I'm ready to say goodbye to him and go home. It's too much being here, I need to go home, and bawl my eyes out, and sleep, and wake up knowing that he's a happy, healthy baby now.
The chaplain came and baptised him.
Thank you for your prayers. Right now he is being photographed and they are taking footprints for us. Then I will spend some more time with him before being released later this afternoon.
WE HAVE A SON!
Praise God for the precious moments we get with him today!
This waiting pretty well sucks ass.
My poor, poor cervix. Yikes!
Put in the next pill and I was able to go to sleep. Until about 20 minutes ago, I woke up with the most intense pressure and pain I've had yet. I took a deep breath and tried to keep calm and then it dawned on me, these aren't really labor pains.... I went to the bathroom and sure enough, diarhea has started (sorry, a bit TMI) but this is a good sign. It means things are progressing as they should.
No increase in pain, just pressure. Like, sorry, but a fart you can't shake loose. Very strange.
So far, I am not a fan of Shawna, the new nurse. The other two nurses didn't push me about having an IV, but Shawna is pushing me to do it. In my drugged state last time around I agreed to do it on this next go round, but I'm going to question it when she comes to do it around 5:30a. I have yet to ask for a single pain medication, I'm drinking my water faithfully, I don't see a need for it, especially not "just in case", they're very uncomfortable for me, so I think I'm going to argue back on that one.
I would really like a cheeseburger and a cigarette at this point. I'm getting quite antsy. We've been here at the hospital since 9:30am, with induction starting at around 1pm, so we're at about 15 hours so far. They said 12-24, 12 has come and gone, so now we continue to wait...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Still, progress is good, and I'm thankful for it.
They're bringing me some Ambien to help me sleep. I haven't gotten much sleep since Saturday when all this started, and only 2 hours last night. I need a clear head to deal with what is to come tomorrow.
If you don't hear from me again tonight I have fallen asleep, and if you don't hear anything by morning, hope for us that it means our baby has been born and passed, and we are enjoying the peace and quiet with him/her.
We had visitors for a bit, hence my actually PUTTING THE LAPTOP AWAY for a few minutes. We're over an hour from home, so I know not many will be able to come visit, but I know they would if they could.
And I swear I'm going to have Will sneak me in some solid food here soon. My stomach is growling so loud... and Will's outside having a smoke, so I'm alone, nice and quiet in here.... and then my stomach growls and I wonder if the people in the next room can hear it. Dang echo.
I'm still calm, and getting tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm going to attempt a nap in a bit, after this next pill. I'm starting to get a little scared of how much worse the pain will get. It's really nothing at this point, and that seems almost too good to be true. LOL!
I'm so blessed to have the thoughts and prayers coming my way that I do. I am more at peace than I thought I would be, at this point.
Time will change that, I bet.
There was a girl in the waiting room this morning reading a magazine from the BACK to the FRONT. Very strange.
When they opened the door to our room, there could have been an electric chair in here and I would have felt the same as I did walking into a regular room.
Surprisingly, we've been here for almost 3 hours now, and I'm quite calm. The first dose of medication (which I cannot for the life of me recall the name, though I knew it off the top of my head earlier, but is a small pill inserted onto the cervix), was put in at 1pm. This will happen every four hours as needed.
I don't have an IV, I decided not to put one in until I felt I really needed pain medication, if at all. I'm not in pain, but I am noticing some twinges here and there, and a sharp pain every once in a while, but nothing unbearable.
Unlike some other states, IL does not require the baby to be given anything to stop its heart before the procedure has begun, so as far as we know, baby is still kicking in there. It's hard, at this point, for me to differentiate between possible kicks and twinges of the uterus. we've still got a long way to go. I have asked to not have the fetal heart rate monitored. I don't want to know when baby goes. I am trying to keep that part as peaceful as possible, and keep the memory of that strong heartbeat we last heard as our most recent one.
I'm on a clear liquid diet right now and I am STARVING, I've ordered some food (chicken broth, yay) and I will keep on updating as I feel it's necessary, if have something to say.
That being said, we leave in an hour, and I'm TERRIFIED. I'm taking a notebook to journal things in case we can't get online, but if we can, then I will update on this blog here. Anyone who cares to read it is welcome to.
I got out the blanket and bear I bought for baby, and they're ready to go with everything else. I really am looking forward to having pictures of the baby with them, and then being able to hold those things anytime I want later. It comforts me already to think about it.
I'm just praying that when this all finally happens, that baby will be at peace, and we will also find some peace in this, and baby is not in any pain.
I hope, for you, my sweet little baby, that things go smoothly. That there is no pain. That you are finally able to be free, to not be cramped and constricted.
I can't wait to find out if you are a boy or a girl, if you've daddy's nose, or my eyes. I can't wait to see you with my own eyes and see that I was right - that you are perfect in every way, and just not ready to be with us now. i want to see your 10 fingers, and 10 toes, and be amazed at how tiny and yet how complete you are.
But really, I just want this to be over and know that you are ok.
I love you so very much, little one. And I always will. I thought I loved you when I got my positive pregnancy test, but it really happened when I heard your heart beating for the first time.
I will never, ever forget you.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
There is NO amniotic fluid around our beautiful, sweet baby. Baby has developed normally in size and weight, but the doctors cannot find the stomach (probably due to the fact that there is no fluid to be ingested), and of the 2 kidneys, one is missing, the other is deformed. this is the possible cause of the lack of fluid, since I haven't had any leakage. The cord only has 2 veins, instead of 3, which also has probably contrbuted, and while the heart RATE is strong, because of the lack of fluid, they cannot get a good shot to determine if the heart is developign properly.
The options that were given are few, and not good. We have been told that at this point, the baby's been without fluid for a confirmed 2 days, but possibly up to two weeks, based on my last appointment where I felt "small". Since we know the baby is the right size, we have to assume I felt small bcause I was lacking fluid. We have been told that the chances of the fluid replnishing itself at this point, well, it would be a miracle if it did. The most likely scenario is that the baby would eventually pass away inside me, at which point we would have to induce.
The other option is to terminate. We can do this by a D & E, or by induction and delivery. We've decided to deliver. This way, we are able to have genetic testing AND an autopsy, to give us the msot insight as to why this has happened. Plus, I feel like if my baby will die, I would rather it been sooner than later, I don't want to prolong it, and I can possibly give birth to a living baby, even though we know that will not last more than a minute or two, if we're lucky. But DH and I feel like if the baby will die no matter what, we would like it to happen with us, and not in a D & E. And not prolonged.
We will finalize the date and time tomorrow, and it will be within the next few days.
Thanks you, so so so much, for all your prayers and kind words the last few days. I am in shock and disbelief, but I know that fate prevails, and I know this isn't our last chance. I would rather it happen now than go longer and have a baby survive only to be plagued by problems or defects and live a harder life that way. I'm not a particularly religious person, but do believe God has a plan for all things, and this must be it.
I apologise for typos, or weird grammar, I don't even really know what I'm writing right now. I know I am only halfway along, but those tiny little feet have been kicking the sh*t out of me for a few weeks, and I talk to baby every day, so now I just have to keep telling baby that soon, everything's going to be alright, that he or she will sn have room to move again, not like now. Not cramped with nowhere to go.
And now the sobbing is starting again, so I end this with another thank you. I've gotten so many kind emails over the last few days I can't even begin to name you all.
I don't wish this on anyone.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
And worrying about work is a joke. I KNOW I shouldn't. This isn't something I can control. But being the one who carries the insurance, and the one who makes more money, I'm concerned with losing pay, and with upsetting work. I know my boss, Cheri, is a reasonable person, but there's that worry in the back of my head. I like this job. I can see it being a long term thing. I don't want anything to screw it up. It's a great setup for both now and after the baby is born. And it's a job with security, we're hiring while so many others are firing. That's comforting to me, in these times.
I need to stop worrying. It's not good for the baby, or me. I'm just so full of questions, and already tired of being in the house. I don't know what I'm going to do if they put me in the hospital. I'm terrified of them. I could handle it to give birth to this wonderful, sweet little baby, but for something like this, it's just something that I'm not prepared for. I'm afraid it soemhow was my fault that this is happening.
I love you so much already, and I've only been able to hear your heart beat, little one. (Here come the tears!) It almost makes me MAD, how can you love someone so much that you've never seen, only heard a single, tiny, quick little heartbeat? I pity men. They'll never know what this is like. Sure, they get to hear, and see, but it's just not the same.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Turns out I have very little amniotic fluid right now, so the doc put me on modified bed rest at home for the weekend, drinking plenty of water. Monday I am not supposed to go in to work,, and call the office at 9am to get my referral to a specialist for another ultrasound. If the fluid levels have gone up, I may be able to go to work and just be on pelvic rest. If they DON'T, then I may be looking at a hospital stay to pump me full of IV fluids.
To top it off, baby was facing my back, and with no fluid, it was very hard for her to get even a clear shot of an arm, so I saw nothing of my baby at all. the only thing I DO know is the heart rate was 157. No pictures, no gender.
It was a disappointing day all around.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Now for the not so fun part. Sherry (doc) said that I feel small, which leads her to believe that I may not be as far along as we initially thought. My due date is set, right now, at July 30th, but we go in for an ultrasound on Saturday, March 14th, and she feels I may end up measuring 2 weeks behind. Now, after doing some research, I'm seeing that it COULD be due to that... or it could be that my smoking is affecting growth. Yes, I am still smoking, albeit a lot less, but I'm feeling more guilty about it now that we've had a doc's visit and things are much more real. That, and smoking now causes the baby to move, and I'm starting to get a mental picture of my baby smothering inside me. So I think this is going to stop soon. Sadly, I needed something like this to really encourage me to stop.
The next fun part - I won't have appointments every 4 weeks like I thought, but every 3. Scheduling is going to be a pain, since I'm trying so desperately not to take too much time off work - they've been wonderful so far, and I don't want to jinx things by being off all the time. I'm up for a raise soon too, so I want to do everything I can to get the most I can, haha.
Also, my next appointment was scheduled 2 weeks out instead of 3. Sherry wanted it soon after my ultrasound so we can discuss the results. If I AM measuring behind, then I will still be within the window for the quad screen (for those of you not in the baby-know, it's a blood test, done on me, to determine the risk of having a baby with down's, spina bifida, and other birth defects and whatnot). However, if I am NOT measuring behind, and my uterus is just sitting low, then we will have missed the window for the test. What does that mean? Well, the tests only give an indication of the risk, but we will be giving birth regardless, we've decided, so more or less it would give us forewarning on any problems. Which would be nice, but we don't plan to abort or anything like that, so not getting the test isn't a huge concern for me.
Let's add on another stumbling block, shall we/ I am, obviously, overweight, and thus at high risk for gestational diabetes, so instead of waiting until about 28 weeks or so, I will have my 1 hour glucose screening on March 19th, I'll be between 18-20 weeks at that point. Basically, you drink a flat glucose drink they give you, wait an hour, and then have blood drawn. Testing to see how your body metabolizes the sugar. If I don't pass that, I will have to do a 3 hour test, and if I don't pass that, then I will have to monitor my sweets and whatnot. There might be more involved, it would depend on the severity though. Luckily, they gave the the drink to bring home, so I just have to make sure I drink it at a point so that by the time I get there, I'm close to my hour mark so they can draw the blood on time. Again meaning not as much time off work (thank god!).
But, of course, the most exciting parts were.... 1) we got to hear the heartbeat! It was amazing! Will says it sounded like a racehorse, haha, Sherry says it's strong and within a perfectly normal range (150's) which, if you believe old wive's tales, it's a girl, lol, but I'm still sticking with my boy theory. She also said next time if we want we can record it on a cell phone or something, which I am planning on doing, and then trying to transfer the recording on to one of those little players you get in a recordable card, to put in the scrapbook.
And, most of all, we go for our ultrasound in less than a week! depending on if I am measuring behind or not, I'll be between 18-20 weeks, so as long as baby cooperates, we should be able to find out the sex! So exciting!
And then there's the awesomeness that is.... we're tentatively planning to move on June 1st! So baby should have his/her own room, and mommy and daddy our own space. THANK GOD!
As far as the other updates, well, I am thanking my lucky stars every single day that I am having a pretty easy pregnancy. No morning sickness (except for a day here or there), no weird food aversions or cravings. A lit of back pain, and a moderate amount of TAILBONE pain, and of course I still pee constantly, but i know I could have it so much worse, so I keep my mouth shut.
And let's not forget I have the mott amazing husband and mother in the world, who between the two, keep me happy and healthy and sane. I thank my lucky stars every day for those two.
Monday, March 2, 2009
What a crazy weekend. Dropkick Murphys on Friday night, came home, got about 5 hours of sleep, spent all day Saturday at a funeral. Came home, Will was asleep by 5pm, me by 6pm. I know he got up for a bit that night but I slept straight through until 7am Sunday. Bummed around for a bit, took a shower, went to Noodles & Co. for lunch, then a movie, then home. PLayed some xBox, will slept, then he went to work. And I was off to bed. Fun but non stop. I'm tiiiiired still!
I GO TO THE DOCTOR ON THURSDAY! Soooooo happy about that one....
No cravings, heartburn gone, nausea gone, boobs don't hurt. Only gained 4lbs. Kind of getting nervous that something's wrong. :(
Thursday, February 26, 2009
No cravings at the moment. I could go for some of mom's chicken and dumplings, but I'm not ready to kill for it yet, so I don't consider it a full blown craving. :)
Back to work, just wanted to say YAY on the one more week!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
There was a post earlier where some of the girls were talking about baby being to one side or the other. When I got home from work, just for the heck of it, I felt around my ute area to see if I was lopsided. Not expecting to feel much since I'm not THAT far along. Anyways, I found that I seemed to be more to the left. I pushed in slowly, just kind of probing, not sure if I was even in the right area, and I SWEAR I felt the tiniest of a flick on my fingertips all of a sudden.
No major cravings lately, in fact, the last 2 days my morning sickness is back again with a passion, which SUCKS! Although PB&J sandwiches are really hitting the spot the last week or so.
A week and a half until my doctor's appointment - I can't wait!
And DROPKICK MURPHYS CONCERT ON FRIDAY! This is gonna be a kick ass next two weeks!
Monday, February 16, 2009
As for my current state of mind, I'm in baby hyper planning mode. Trying to decide in the span of one night on a crib, changing table, stroller, etc. etc. I guess it would help if I knew what we were having!
I'm also feelin a huge nesting urge, but not here at this house - I want to be out of here! I love my parents dearly and thank the powers that be that they are so loving and supportive, but I am jonesing for our own space again! Not to mention, my nesting urges involve a baby's room that we just can't have here. Can't wait until Wednesday when I get paid and can finally put part of it in savings!!
I'm also torn on names. Not the real birth names, but the now names, like, ok, I admit, I'm a bad mommy-to-be, cause I call this little one the demon spaawn, but somehow, it fits. This child will be the most charismatic, loveable child ever. To everyone else. For Will and I, I think this child will terrorize us to no end. Payback for the pains in the butts we were as kids!!
Ok, off to bed! Little booger drains the energy right out of me!
I'm starving, and I really should go do hair and makeup for work, so off I go!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
WHITE CASTLE (OMG I could kill for it)
This headache I've head for about 3 weeks can bite the big one, but other than that, feeling pretty good.
I really want to go to the zoo today! I've been dying to go for weeks now but it's just too cold. I'm leaning towards a zoo-themed nursery (if we end up having a nursery; more on that later) so I think that's where my obsession comes from.
I think, also, I'm just tired of being in the house. I've FINALLY got some energy back, but Will sleeps during the day at works at night, so I spend my weekends sitting around doing nothing, since I don't want him to feel left out. Ugh. On the one hand, I hate that he works 3rd shift, on the other, I feel blessed that he's got a job, since so many other people don't, AND we aren't going to have to put baby in daycare as long as he's working 3rd shift, so that's a definite plus!