I read something on someone's blog today (and if it was yours, I'm keeping you anon., don't worry) :o) talking about being scared to get pregnant again, and how people just pop up and say they're ready to try again very soon after a loss...
It made me think a bit, and here's the conclusion I've come to (mind you, this is also considering the fact that I'm starting to chart and will start temps tomorrow, to start building a database for when we are given the go ahead to try again).
I'm not ready to have another baby.
But I wasn't ready for Patrick, either.
As scared as I am of what could happen the next time, I know if I let fear rule my life, there's a lot of things I would never have done. Including getting pregnant with Patrick, or holding him as he was passing, things that blow my mind still that I was able to do.
I'll never be ready, fully. I'll always have a scar on my heart, and I'll always mourn him.
But I also refuse to sit around waiting until the "perfect" opportunity comes along, because itnever will. So, I'm charting now, to try to figure out when my body's back into whack (and let's hope it gets there) and then when the doctors say we can, we'll try again. It's all we can do.
As sad and shocked and lonely and upset as I can feel at times, I also refuse to live in the past.
R.I.P., little man. Mommy and Daddy love you to bits.
P.S. The "trying" is the fun part, anyways, right? Hehehe.