Monday, May 16, 2011

My own personal crisis mode...

About once a year, I question my life. Namely, coming up to my birthday. I wonder about if I am happy with where I am going, what I am doing. I worry that I'm doing things all wrong.

And I've come to the conclusion that I AM doing things all wrong. I'm punishing myself for things which are not my fault, and standing back when I should be stepping up to defend myself from the the things that are harmful to me.

It's time for big changes around here.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


My first weight loss goal was "to be under 250lbs" (which hasn't happened in over 2 years).

This morning, my scale read 247. 12lbs lost, folks.

Next goal: 25lbs total. And guess what? I'm already halfway there!!

Life is good.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why is it odd?

Why is it odd for a woman to openly discuss fertility problems?

There's no real post here, other than that, because there doesn't really need to be. I hear people talk about diseases, illnesses, afflictions, all the time. But if you mention that you are having a hard time conceiving, people lock up.

I challenge each and every one of you to openly mention your own fertility problems, or someone else's (within reason, don't be blabbin other people's business!!), today. To not be ashamed of what is happening to you. To make people aware. And maybe you'll find that there is someone else around you that has similar problems, but never felt comfortable speaking up, felt alone.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Strike 3 (5?)

I put my foot down today. AF reared her head, and I lost it. I called my doctor, and told him I am not refilling my last Clomid Rx. He agreed to send me to an RE, first I have an appointment in 2 weeks for an annual, and then we'll get the referral.

It sucks that I'll lose 1-2 cycles to the appointments, but it already feels better, knowing that we're moving ahead. Now I'm hoping that my sanity holds out if the RE wants to do something more invasive.

They need to make patience pills.....

The 2WW is killing me. KILLING.ME.

That is all.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day....

I will admit, I have felt very sorry for myself today. I've cried a few times today. But what makes me cry the most is knowing that I was so very blessed to have held my sweet little girl. As badly as it scared me, I'm glad she gasped for air. Because it means, if only for a few minutes, I got to see her move. I don't have to have only memories of her being so eerily still.

I'm not a religious person, but a part of me believes that I would not have been given the gift of being a mother if I didn't deserve it. Even if it was only for a few moments.

The part that KILLS me, though, is not being able to hold her ever again.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

I have high hopes.

This cycle actually worked out perfectly. I thought it would be a bust - but I ovulated right before I left for my last trip, and we managed to do the deed a few good times around then. So... I am hopeful. There are a few other factors, which I would say are contributing to my positive vibe, but we'll keep those secret for now. ;)