I can't believe I am writing this....

We had our follow up u/s Monday. After showing us in careful detail what we were seeing, the doctor laid things out very clearly for us. The details are a bit fuzzy, since I am still in shock, but the gist of it follows....

There is NO amniotic fluid around our beautiful, sweet baby. Baby has developed normally in size and weight, but the doctors cannot find the stomach (probably due to the fact that there is no fluid to be ingested), and of the 2 kidneys, one is missing, the other is deformed. this is the possible cause of the lack of fluid, since I haven't had any leakage. The cord only has 2 veins, instead of 3, which also has probably contrbuted, and while the heart RATE is strong, because of the lack of fluid, they cannot get a good shot to determine if the heart is developign properly.


The options that were given are few, and not good. We have been told that at this point, the baby's been without fluid for a confirmed 2 days, but possibly up to two weeks, based on my last appointment where I felt "small". Since we know the baby is the right size, we have to assume I felt small bcause I was lacking fluid. We have been told that the chances of the fluid replnishing itself at this point, well, it would be a miracle if it did. The most likely scenario is that the baby would eventually pass away inside me, at which point we would have to induce.


The other option is to terminate. We can do this by a D & E, or by induction and delivery. We've decided to deliver. This way, we are able to have genetic testing AND an autopsy, to give us the msot insight as to why this has happened. Plus, I feel like if my baby will die, I would rather it been sooner than later, I don't want to prolong it, and I can possibly give birth to a living baby, even though we know that will not last more than a minute or two, if we're lucky. But DH and I feel like if the baby will die no matter what, we would like it to happen with us, and not in a D & E. And not prolonged.


We will finalize the date and time tomorrow, and it will be within the next few days.


Thanks you, so so so much, for all your prayers and kind words the last few days. I am in shock and disbelief, but I know that fate prevails, and I know this isn't our last chance. I would rather it happen now than go longer and have a baby survive only to be plagued by problems or defects and live a harder life that way. I'm not a particularly religious person, but do believe God has a plan for all things, and this must be it.


I apologise for typos, or weird grammar, I don't even really know what I'm writing right now. I know I am only halfway along, but those tiny little feet have been kicking the sh*t out of me for a few weeks, and I talk to baby every day, so now I just have to keep telling baby that soon, everything's going to be alright, that he or she will sn have room to move again, not like now. Not cramped with nowhere to go.


And now the sobbing is starting again, so I end this with another thank you. I've gotten so many kind emails over the last few days I can't even begin to name you all.


I don't wish this on anyone.