Sunday, March 15, 2009

I am so scared...

I've felt helpless before, but I've never had another life inside me. I've never had a medical problem that I knew so little about. Granted, the doctors don't know much either at this point, which is the whole point of going to a specialist, but it's frustrating.

And worrying about work is a joke. I KNOW I shouldn't. This isn't something I can control. But being the one who carries the insurance, and the one who makes more money, I'm concerned with losing pay, and with upsetting work. I know my boss, Cheri, is a reasonable person, but there's that worry in the back of my head. I like this job. I can see it being a long term thing. I don't want anything to screw it up. It's a great setup for both now and after the baby is born. And it's a job with security, we're hiring while so many others are firing. That's comforting to me, in these times.

I need to stop worrying. It's not good for the baby, or me. I'm just so full of questions, and already tired of being in the house. I don't know what I'm going to do if they put me in the hospital. I'm terrified of them. I could handle it to give birth to this wonderful, sweet little baby, but for something like this, it's just something that I'm not prepared for. I'm afraid it soemhow was my fault that this is happening.

I love you so much already, and I've only been able to hear your heart beat, little one. (Here come the tears!) It almost makes me MAD, how can you love someone so much that you've never seen, only heard a single, tiny, quick little heartbeat? I pity men. They'll never know what this is like. Sure, they get to hear, and see, but it's just not the same.

1 comment:

  1. More hugs to you. I can only stress that it's completely okay to worry about work and how they will react to all of the time you'll need to grieve. You are normal to have these fears.