March of Dimes...

I'll be walking this year, on April 25th, in a March of Dimes walk locally, and I'm asking for your help! Check out my team page!

Now that we've passed my day of mourning...

...let's look ahead, shall we?

First of all, if you've been reading for a bit, you know that I have had multiple problems with my OB/GYN, inculding, but not limited to rude comments, a too busy office, lack of appointment times, and a general lack of concern or treatment for my PCOS. I finally bit the bullet, and last week I went to a new doctor... who is AMAZING. The minute I mentioned my PCOS diagnosis, he gave me a laundry list of site to visit and made me stop trying to justify my attempt to lose weight, saying, "I'm not going to yell at you, girlie, I believe that you're trying. That's the best thing you can do!" Also, after hearing my history with Patrick, subsequent horrible doctor's visits, myriad of blood draws and tests, he decided we were skipping the small stuff and going straight to... Clomid.

First off, it's nice to have a doctor who listens to you. And believes you. And takes the extra minute of the appointment to look at the paper proof you've brought with you. Secondly, I'm grateful that he's not running a ton of his own tests. He trusts that the blood draws from 2 months ago are recent enough to run on.

So, what does this mean? Well, today marks day 6 of Provera, to force a period. Then, on day 5 of said period, I start the Clomid. On days 9-16, we're a once a day, every other day couple. Then, we wait. The dreaded 2 week wait.

My hope and outlook are much brighter, knowing that I'm being heard. Even though seem like it yet, I think it's slowly improving my marriage, in that my mind has been freed of my baby worries for the time being, so I'm able to think of other things a little more rationally. After a loss, the quest for another baby consumes your entire life, sadly.

I'm trying to be rational, I know that it won't necessarily happen right away, and results/chance of pregnancy improve over time, being on Clomid, but I can't help but be cautiously excited at the possibility that in another month or so, I could be seeing a positive pregnancy test...

A few things...

First, YAY for new tattoos! I finally got my tattoo for Patrick, and I love it.



Second, I'm working on dessert for tonight, taking pictures, and since we do Sunday Dinner up right around here, I'm going to try to start posting some pictures of it each week. Tonight... chicken breasts with crab stuffing, garlic cream sauce, noodles and green beans, and pina colada cheesecake for dessert.

How am I gonna wait that long?!?

What to do today....

I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave... my plan was to head to the hospital, to L&D, to take flowers to the nurses, simple enough, but so far, I can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe it's been a year already.

Happy birthday, baby girl. :(

Progress....

Thank you, Wii Fit, for telling me I have lost 3.6lbs in the last 9 days.

It makes all these blah salads worth it.

Finishing what I started earlier....

Lessons I have learned in the past year.

Never assume there will be a next time.

Never assume you know what you'll do in any situation. There's a post on this very blog that talks about how Will and I could never abort if something was wrong with our baby... oh boy, that can change in an instant, when you're given the choice between being able to MAYBE see your baby alive, versus letting nature take its course and birthing when your body wants to, but risking the possibility that your baby will die inside you. THERE is a life changing decision, for sure.

Never assume you know who will be there for you, because the closest people to you sometimes can't handle the major events in your life, and will yank the rug out from under you, and make it all about them.

Never assume that you know who will stand right there with you until the bitter end, because you never know who it will be that sits on AIM with you until 4am while you chain smoke and bawl your eyes out hours before going to the hospital. (Love you, Lizifur!!)

More later...

I've been doing good, so here's where I'm failing...

I feel like maybe I should admit what is still weighing on my mind... let it out and let it go. For example...

A year ago, I heard, for the first and only time, Patrick's heartbeat. I cried. And AFTER the doctor took away the Doppler, she said we could have recorded it on our cell phones. And I said, "Hey, that's an awesome idea, we should do that at the next appointment!"

How fitting that the next appointment was scheduled the same day Patrick was born.

Lesson learned: Never say "next time". You have no idea if there will be one.

There's more, but I need to pull it together before I post anything, seeing as how thinking about this is causing major tears right now.