Well, can you believe this?

Day 38, and still no AF. What is going on here? I usually to be like 35 days, max. I'm getting concerned. Either something is wrong, or we're knocked up. Or my body just thinks it's funny to make me worry. LOL!

Good news: I WON SOMETHING!! First off, must give love to my girl - http://the818.com. It's a super fun blog, and this is one super fun girl (I have the pleasure of hearing lots of fun details about her upcoming pregnancy on a message board we both frequent) and she had a drawing for a super AWESOME Dalla Nonna Calendar Necklace. And guess who won? ME! And I never win ANYTHING!

Did I mention, also, that mom bought a new car, and is handing her old one off to me, so no more sharing a car for Will and I?

Perhaps things are turning around....

Ugh - annoying!

So, I've been (trying) to chart my cycles, though this last couple weeks I haven't temped, because my thermometer was packed up. I was looking back through my info, and UGH! My last 3 cycles have been 48 days, then 32 days, and now this cycle, I'm on day 35 with no sign of AF. I'm frustrated because I found my thermometer today and I'm annoyed that this is another long cycle. I'm not looking forward to temping again because I always forget until it's too late. Hopefully I can get better about it, and hopefuly AF will come soon, so I can get back in the swing of things...

I haven't posted much, but today seems like a good day...

Some days are harder than others. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'm excited about moving (YAY!) but it hurts my heart to know that we should have been using the second bedroom as a nursery. Things are going according to the plan I had, minus the baby that should have been coming into the world to reside there, too.

It hurts to know that I was excited about spending my birthday on Monday feeling my baby kick the crap out of me. What a sweet birthday present that would have been. But no.

My head is full of emotions I can't even explain. It almost seems weird to be so happy about moving when I really just want to scream and cry, some days.

I'm doing better, but am by no means back to whole, and that scares me, more than anything. Because I don't think I ever will be.

I was talking with a co worker on Friday about how I always had these big plans, things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30, and now that's just a year away. And none of it's done. That's just plain depressing. And I never really feel different on my birthdays, as much as you'd think you would. Until this year.

Monday's going to be tough, I think. I should have been preparing to be a mom... not waking up every morning to take my temperature and log it, wondering when, or even IF, I'll get the chance again.

Bleh.

Got the results of the testing, and HOLY WOW, this is nuts...

Patrick, or should I say, PATRICIA, had a VERY RARE (rare as in less than 150 known cases IN THE WORLD. E.V.E.R.) "sequence".

This is going to get complicated, so pardon my lack of tact, but what I'm about to say is the easiest way to explain all this...

Our baby was like a Barbie Doll. Ambiguous genitalia, and NO HOLES. None. Meaning, baby could not "pee" to create the amniotic fluid, because it had nowhere to come out of. There was a "bump" on the front of the pelvis, coupled with a lack of a vaginal opening, HOWEVER, chromosomal testing revealed a XX. That's right, folks. Patrick is a Patricia.

The internal organs were fairly well formed, given the circumstances, but there was no vaginal opening, the urethra didn't reach the outside, and there was no anus. Barbie Doll. Yeah, it's tactless, but it gets the point across.

The name of this syndrome is Urorectal Septum Malformation Sequence. This explains the long wait for the results - they had no idea what they were dealing with!

We're blown away, and have been laughing hysterically since we got all this info. It's not "funny" but it's typical that something so random would happen to me - I have bad luck like that. And that's all it was - luck. There is suspicion that this can be caused by uncontrolled blood sugar levels, so they've recommended I get a full diabetes screening, but even if I have diabetes, and WAS managing it at the time, it wouldn't have necessarily prevented this.

A fluke, ladies. And according to this OB (the one who delivered baby... girl?!?) once I've done the screening, and taken the steps necessary based on the results, we most certainly can try again.

Feel free to ask any questions you'd like - this is beyond random, for sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. Definitely not the answers I was expecting, but its answers, and I feel tons better.

Oh, and also, this was not genetic, so no testing other than an ultrasound would have clued us into this. And earlier ultrasounds might not have revealed any of this because the organs weren't big enough to recognize the abnormalities yet. So.... we really couldn't have found out any sooner than we did. Which also comforts me.

A quick lil' update...

I feel compelled to update my blog, but since I’m at work, I’m forced to do it all James Bond-esque. Soooo, right now, this is actually being typed into a Word docutment at 8pt font. HAHA. I go to such great lengths to avoid working…

We go to the geneticists on Friday at 12:30 to get all the results of Patrick’s testing. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Talk about drawing out the experience. I find my whole experience sad, and I’m not talking about losing my baby, either. I expect that to be heartbreaking. What sucks even worse is being treated like a statistic, being brushed off, and not given answers. Even if the answer is “fluke”, “we don’t know”, at least make it look like, for 5 minutes, you care that I lost my kid, mmmkay? Thanks.

Apartment hunting is going terribly. I feel like we’re never going to find anything. Then I see my neighbors, who rent, and with as asshole-ish as they are, I know SOMEONE, somewhere will rent to us. There is always hope. I just have to keep searching for the perfect place.

I’m sure I will have more to say on Friday, but until then, toodles!

Happy Mother's Day to everyone....

My mom just said Happy Mother's Day to me, and then stared at me to see my reaction.

At least I didn't cry. LOL.

Moving forward??

I FINALLY have an appointment with the geneticists. Friday, May 29th at 12:30p. At the hospital where I lost Patrick. I took the full half day off, there's no way I'm going back to work after that.

However, if all goes well, I'll be using that half day to move into a new apartment... Will and I may have FINALLY found a place...

On the flip side, where, oh where is Aunt Flo???

Ambien in my system = a short post, because it's taking me forever to type. LOL