It's been awhile...

I haven't updated this blog in well over 6 months. Mostly because I connected it with my Facebook account, and didn't want to drive my friends nuts everytime a new entry was put in my newsfeed. But, oh well.

I've recently (well, 3 months ago) started a new position at the same company, but this one involves travel. So, here I am, sitting in a hotel room in Springfield, MO.

Things I have learned today (day 1 of my trip):

- O'Hare airport's security takes forEVER. (I knew this, but had it reaffirmed today.)

- Somehow, EVERY time I fly, my plane is at the last gate in the terminal. EVERY time. How can that happen? EVERY time??

- Cherry limeade might be my new favorite drink.

- Taco Bell for dinner at 11:15p.m. is pretty depressing.

I miss my pup, and my kitties, and most of all, I miss my husband. I always somehow forget how much I hate sleeping alone, until I have to do it again.

I had a moment on the plane today where I thought about Patrick, about what it would be like now if she had lived. We'd be coming up on her second Christmas. And I don't know that I would have this job, considering the travel. It's been almost two years since we lost her, and it hurts just as bad now as it ever did.

Time to get a few hours sleep before heading to the install tomorrow. We have to be there at 7:00a.m., so to get breakfast in first, we're meeting in the lobby at 5:45a.m. What a god-awful hour.

One more night...

Tomorrow is my March for Babies, in memory of Patrick, and I can't say I'm not a little sad.

That's about all I have to say right now.

Oh my... someone save me...

I'm seriously in the mood to kill someone, gut them, eat their entrails, and then cry for being fat. People's voices are like fingernails on a chalkboard, EVERYONE'S voices. I want to hide in a corner and bawl. This had better be a side effect of the drugs. Because right now I feel like this:



Mixed with this:



Oh, and did I mention if I don't somehow obtain a hot fudge sundae sometime in the next 10 minutes, I will most likely break down in sobs and have to be carted away.

Either the drugs are finally showing their side effects, or I'm LOSING MY F-ING MIND!

Well, tomorrow's the day....

First of all, before I forget, hey, FACEBOOK PEOPLE READING THIS!! It's being cross posted from my blog, at http://babyoliverblog.blogspot.com If you'd like to continue reading my random posts, you'll need to subscribe there, as I'm going to soon be moving the blog to another location and it won't be linked to FaceBook anymore.

As for what's new... Final dose of Clomid tomorrow, and the go ahead on baby dancing, if you will. I'm terrified.

That's all, for now.

March of Dimes...

I'll be walking this year, on April 25th, in a March of Dimes walk locally, and I'm asking for your help! Check out my team page!

Now that we've passed my day of mourning...

...let's look ahead, shall we?

First of all, if you've been reading for a bit, you know that I have had multiple problems with my OB/GYN, inculding, but not limited to rude comments, a too busy office, lack of appointment times, and a general lack of concern or treatment for my PCOS. I finally bit the bullet, and last week I went to a new doctor... who is AMAZING. The minute I mentioned my PCOS diagnosis, he gave me a laundry list of site to visit and made me stop trying to justify my attempt to lose weight, saying, "I'm not going to yell at you, girlie, I believe that you're trying. That's the best thing you can do!" Also, after hearing my history with Patrick, subsequent horrible doctor's visits, myriad of blood draws and tests, he decided we were skipping the small stuff and going straight to... Clomid.

First off, it's nice to have a doctor who listens to you. And believes you. And takes the extra minute of the appointment to look at the paper proof you've brought with you. Secondly, I'm grateful that he's not running a ton of his own tests. He trusts that the blood draws from 2 months ago are recent enough to run on.

So, what does this mean? Well, today marks day 6 of Provera, to force a period. Then, on day 5 of said period, I start the Clomid. On days 9-16, we're a once a day, every other day couple. Then, we wait. The dreaded 2 week wait.

My hope and outlook are much brighter, knowing that I'm being heard. Even though seem like it yet, I think it's slowly improving my marriage, in that my mind has been freed of my baby worries for the time being, so I'm able to think of other things a little more rationally. After a loss, the quest for another baby consumes your entire life, sadly.

I'm trying to be rational, I know that it won't necessarily happen right away, and results/chance of pregnancy improve over time, being on Clomid, but I can't help but be cautiously excited at the possibility that in another month or so, I could be seeing a positive pregnancy test...

A few things...

First, YAY for new tattoos! I finally got my tattoo for Patrick, and I love it.



Second, I'm working on dessert for tonight, taking pictures, and since we do Sunday Dinner up right around here, I'm going to try to start posting some pictures of it each week. Tonight... chicken breasts with crab stuffing, garlic cream sauce, noodles and green beans, and pina colada cheesecake for dessert.

How am I gonna wait that long?!?

What to do today....

I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave... my plan was to head to the hospital, to L&D, to take flowers to the nurses, simple enough, but so far, I can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe it's been a year already.

Happy birthday, baby girl. :(

Progress....

Thank you, Wii Fit, for telling me I have lost 3.6lbs in the last 9 days.

It makes all these blah salads worth it.

Finishing what I started earlier....

Lessons I have learned in the past year.

Never assume there will be a next time.

Never assume you know what you'll do in any situation. There's a post on this very blog that talks about how Will and I could never abort if something was wrong with our baby... oh boy, that can change in an instant, when you're given the choice between being able to MAYBE see your baby alive, versus letting nature take its course and birthing when your body wants to, but risking the possibility that your baby will die inside you. THERE is a life changing decision, for sure.

Never assume you know who will be there for you, because the closest people to you sometimes can't handle the major events in your life, and will yank the rug out from under you, and make it all about them.

Never assume that you know who will stand right there with you until the bitter end, because you never know who it will be that sits on AIM with you until 4am while you chain smoke and bawl your eyes out hours before going to the hospital. (Love you, Lizifur!!)

More later...

I've been doing good, so here's where I'm failing...

I feel like maybe I should admit what is still weighing on my mind... let it out and let it go. For example...

A year ago, I heard, for the first and only time, Patrick's heartbeat. I cried. And AFTER the doctor took away the Doppler, she said we could have recorded it on our cell phones. And I said, "Hey, that's an awesome idea, we should do that at the next appointment!"

How fitting that the next appointment was scheduled the same day Patrick was born.

Lesson learned: Never say "next time". You have no idea if there will be one.

There's more, but I need to pull it together before I post anything, seeing as how thinking about this is causing major tears right now.

Creeping up...

For a while, I barely thought about it at all, but now, a month early, I find myself thinking over and over again of March 19th. I'm scared of how I'll feel that day. I took off work... I don't necessarily think I'm going to be that bad, but... I don't want to spend the day remembering, AND getting screamed at by customers.

Truth be told, I can't even believe it's already been almost a year... it flew by. I learned a lot about who I am, and about my marriage. I learned a LOT about how Will and I both handled a major loss (and it was shocking, how differently we do). I learned that patience is the only thing that truly helps one through. It's ok to lose your mind sometimes, your family and friends, the real ones, will stick it out with you. No matter how much you shut them off. I learned all about that this year, as I lost friends who decided that my lack of attention to them had everything to do with them, and nothing to do with losing my child. I'm learning that life isn't always perfect, but there are good things to be had in every situation.

And I learned that when Will and I make babies, they have his chin, and my nose.

Hopefully someday I'll be able to see if they'll have my hair too. ;)

R.I.P. Patrick. Thank you for making me a mom.

Frustration... I know it well...

Got paid about 36 hours ago. It's gone. Buh bye. How depressing.

Ah well.

Drinks, anyone?

People are so rude...

As a back story, we live in an apartment, over a shop, on Main Street. As a result, our parking is behind the building, in a shared lot. However, our spots are clearly marked as being for our residents only.

Will and I went for a quick drive so I could give my opinion on what is going on with the car, (a whole separate post,) but as we pull back into the lot, a truck takes the last spot for our apartments. (We get a lot of overflow from the restaurant next door.) Will rolls the window down and I pull up next to him and asks, "Do you live in these apartments?", points to the sign, and says, "Because these spots are clearly marked for those apartments only." The guy says "No", smirks, and starts to walk away. So Will says, "Fine, babe, call the tow company", loud enough for him to hear. The guy turns around and starts getting shitty with Will!

Um, hello, if you can't read the sign you just PARKED IN FRONT OF, you shouldn't be driving. AND, when I come to your neighborhood, I don't park in your driveway, I use the public parking, AKA the ROAD, to park.

The guy's wife convinced him to move his truck. LOL.

But I seriously thought the guy was going to get physical with Will. What a jackass.

Sometimes....

...extreme quiet helps clear the brain.

Thank god.

I continually have to wonder about people - about how they suddenly get it in their heads that something is their property, theirs to decide what should be done with it. When in actuality, it has nothing to do with them. Almost an hour this morning, wasted, because someone is on a power trip.

Can anyone teach me how to boobytrap something with retractable spikes?

In other news, life is boring, as usual, so there's nothing new to report. Other than I am still laughing at Friday night's happenings. Slowly, more details are being uncovered - and I'm learning lessons - like how, according to Pitbull, there can only be one bass guitar player in all of Lake County. ;) I wonder how Jessica's hand is doing after smashing up the Denny's bathroom.... such a rockstar. Thankfully, I was only an observer in all the excitement. I, for once, stayed clear of the drama.

I had to delete someone from my Facebook this weekend, who was leaving just plain inappropriate comments on my pictures. I'm not sure what her motives were, though I have my suspicions, but regardless, I have family on there that just don't need to see things like that. It makes me wonder how someone can think that's ok.

Hell, it makes me wonder how I thought it was ok to friend someone who I KNOW is that immature. Ah well. Lesson learned.

And, with that being said, I realize just how boring my life is. LOL.

And I should probably be working, instead of blogging. ;)

Advice is so much easier to give, than to receive...

I really need to remember that sometimes, singing off key is just plain old ok.

I am far too critical of myself.

I'm sad, because someone I consider to be a very cool person and a friend (for the few times I see him, lol) is moving, but I'm excited for him, that he's taking on a new opportunity. He deserves it! (Love you, Mark!!)

A recap of my evening - singing, pool, and Destructo-Jess breaking the Denny's bathroom, piece by piece. ;) And "Jamie, you always pick the best friends!" (Sandy, in reference to getting my co-worker Jim to hang out with us. Poor Jim. His musician's ears must have been bleeding after karaoke last night...)

I have an knack for picking and matching up similar people to all hang out. What can I say?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy....

And here's what I've come up with...

I am most happy when I am doing this...











For these boys...


And I REALLY want one of these...






























All while singing along to stuff like this...

LOVE THIS SONG!

I think I was born in the WRONG decade. LOL

A random thought...

When you're bored, watch the Outdoor channel. Right now, dude's hunting elephants in Africa. With a BOW. This is highly entertaining - we're taking bets on whether the elephant will just LAUGH, or run over and bitchslap the dude with his trunk...

Why is saying no so hard?

Trust me, saying no today has been very gratifying. I know it's just not for me anymore. I know it causes me more grief and drama than I care to deal with. But still, saying no is such a hard word for me.

The backlash, however, is going to suck. I give it about an hour before my phone blows up.

Oh, wait, two more, #62 and #70!

Forgot these, but found them as I was going through the list.

#62: Wear a skirt for no reason.

Ok, well, there was a reason - I promised Liz I would so she wouldn't be the only one. But it wasn't a special event (housewarming party for the boys) and I would normally wear jeans and a t-shirt, so it was out of the norm for me. And everyone gave me compliments, so I guess it wasn't all so bad. ;)

#70: Buy red lipstick.

After my fab day with Gigi, I didn't buy the MAC lipstick I tried, but I DID go to WalMart later and ended up picking up a red lipstick there. And it seemed to go over well. :)

A few more numbers checked off... #17 and #28

Go me!

#17: Meet a HAB.

If you don't know what a HAB is, you don't need to know, but the end result is that Gigi and I had a great day putzing around together on Wednesday, 1/6/2010. It was super fun and I can't wait to hang out with her again!

#28: Go to the open jam at Firehouse.

I've been promising Jim that I would go for, oh, about 6 months now, and on Tuesday, 1/5/2010, I finally went. It's a blast, and although that week it was small, the music was still awesome. If you've never been - definitely check it out - great musicians! Now I just have to get more people to go, so poor Will doesn't look so bored (Not really his scene, lol, not a blues fan I guess!)

And #48 is complete....

So my last post (about 5 minutes ago) mentioned "the list", and #48 is complete. I removed the baby info from the sidebar here. Why? Because it's time to look forward, not back. I remember those moments like it was yesterday, I don't need a detailed list reminding me every 5 seconds.

Baggage packed, and filed away for another day. :)

So, I've decided to make this year a bit more interesting...

It's not the most original idea, but here it is. I sat down, and made a list of 100 things I want to do this year. Some are stupid, some are to reconnect with friends, some are to better myself, and some are just things that I enjoy, but never make time to do. I'm calling it my supersecret project, because I'm not sharing the list with anyone yet, in whole... but as I finish each thing, I'll blog it here. So stay tuned, cause from what I've got on that list, it should be an interesting year, indeed...

I'm a perfectionist, so why is everything so out of order?

Do you know what sucks about being a perfectionist? If you're like me, it means nothing ever gets done. Because you look at something, and it must be done just so, and you start on it, and realize what a huge project it is, and get sidetracked, and 7 hours later, you forgot what it was that you were trying to perfect this time. And then you give up.

I'm determined to restore order to life. The last 9 months have been one big mash of anti-social,no motivation hell. It's been 9 months. I need to get back to normal life. I need to stop procrastinating and do something about all the stuff that's been bugging me, instead of just letting it bug me.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Blah, I say. F you, chaos.