New Blog...

New blog is up at http://jamieleigh80.blogspot.com/

Please join me there, won't you?

So here we are....

A month out, and things are rocky, but falling into place. Will has moved out, though he still has some things here, which I am working on removing. Work is picking up, thankfully, so no more being stuck in the office. Somehow I feel that things are looking up, though at times it might always seem like it. Just have to keep looking forward...

Closure...

I've been thinking a lot, as I approach the end of my marriage, about closure on things. And I'm thinking that it might be time to find a final resting place for Patrick's ashes. I have such lovely things to remember her by, and then a little ceramic box sitting next to those things, with a plastic baggie full of... her. That piece is a downer. I've been afraid to scatter her ashes, afraid that whereever I choose to do it, I'd end up moving, not be able to go there, and that scares me.

This might sound like a crazy idea, but I am entertaining the notion of taking little amounts of her ashes, and scattering them in places that have good meaning for me. Places that I might have wanted to share with her, things like that. Is that odd?

Starting this post again....

I've started this post countless times over the last few days, always wanting to let it out, but not quite sure how to say it. So, direct is best.

Will and I are divorcing. It is, obviously, a long story that remains private, but I'm posting this because this means that this blog will change significantly.

That's pretty much all I care to say about it, at this point.

Last day of 30...

A year ago today, I was upset. I was about to turn 30. My friends were all in their 20’s. I admit, I was one of those people, I feared it.

But you know what, 30? You actually taught me a lot.

I learned that standing up for yourself is a great thing, but not everyone will like it. People will alienate you for it. But you’re better off without those people.

I learned that judging a book by its cover is something I definitely need to do less of, because
I could have missed out on some awesome people, had I continued to let my preconceived notions get in the way.

I learned that it IS possible to look back on hard times and smile. Maybe not every day, but most days.

I learned that what I want, what I need in life, needs to come first. I can’t be happy with others, if I am not happy with myself.

I learned that, even at 30, high school drama still exists.

I learned that I can have wrinkles on my face, and still be beautiful.

I learned that even when you think you know it all, there is still someone out there who can tell you you’re wrong, without hurting you.

I learned that sometimes, you just have to give in and let yourself be supported for a change.

I am absolutely blessed in life, surrounded by good people, and while it took some struggles to get here, I know it’s where I am meant to be.

So, you know what, 30? I started off hating you, but actually, I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Sadly, our time is over. But I hear your buddy, 31, ain’t so bad. Guess I’ll give him a spin for a year or so.

Faith...

I got into a discussion with a friend a few days ago, about faith. I'm not an Atheist by any means, but definitely unsure of my faith, which was only further wounded by losing Patrick.

This friend, B, told me that it was pointless to be angry with God. And that simple sentence made me think about things. That I needed to stop looking at it as such a horrible thing, a punishment, stop beating myself up wondering what I did to deserve that. That I need to realize that having faith isn't always about having the answers. That sometimes, the plan laid out for us will include things that we will possibly never understand, but that will ultimately benefit us in some way.

I still question that faith almost daily, but it's a much more peaceful questioning since then. Hopefully, I can continue down a path that will allow me to make peace with Him, because He DID give me a beautiful daughter, even if only for a few moments.

My own personal crisis mode...

About once a year, I question my life. Namely, coming up to my birthday. I wonder about if I am happy with where I am going, what I am doing. I worry that I'm doing things all wrong.

And I've come to the conclusion that I AM doing things all wrong. I'm punishing myself for things which are not my fault, and standing back when I should be stepping up to defend myself from the the things that are harmful to me.

It's time for big changes around here.

YESSSSSSSS!

My first weight loss goal was "to be under 250lbs" (which hasn't happened in over 2 years).

This morning, my scale read 247. 12lbs lost, folks.

Next goal: 25lbs total. And guess what? I'm already halfway there!!

Life is good.

Why is it odd?

Why is it odd for a woman to openly discuss fertility problems?

There's no real post here, other than that, because there doesn't really need to be. I hear people talk about diseases, illnesses, afflictions, all the time. But if you mention that you are having a hard time conceiving, people lock up.

I challenge each and every one of you to openly mention your own fertility problems, or someone else's (within reason, don't be blabbin other people's business!!), today. To not be ashamed of what is happening to you. To make people aware. And maybe you'll find that there is someone else around you that has similar problems, but never felt comfortable speaking up, felt alone.

Strike 3 (5?)

I put my foot down today. AF reared her head, and I lost it. I called my doctor, and told him I am not refilling my last Clomid Rx. He agreed to send me to an RE, first I have an appointment in 2 weeks for an annual, and then we'll get the referral.

It sucks that I'll lose 1-2 cycles to the appointments, but it already feels better, knowing that we're moving ahead. Now I'm hoping that my sanity holds out if the RE wants to do something more invasive.

They need to make patience pills.....

The 2WW is killing me. KILLING.ME.

That is all.

Happy Mother's Day....

I will admit, I have felt very sorry for myself today. I've cried a few times today. But what makes me cry the most is knowing that I was so very blessed to have held my sweet little girl. As badly as it scared me, I'm glad she gasped for air. Because it means, if only for a few minutes, I got to see her move. I don't have to have only memories of her being so eerily still.

I'm not a religious person, but a part of me believes that I would not have been given the gift of being a mother if I didn't deserve it. Even if it was only for a few moments.

The part that KILLS me, though, is not being able to hold her ever again.

I have high hopes.

This cycle actually worked out perfectly. I thought it would be a bust - but I ovulated right before I left for my last trip, and we managed to do the deed a few good times around then. So... I am hopeful. There are a few other factors, which I would say are contributing to my positive vibe, but we'll keep those secret for now. ;)

Check that off the bucket list...

I can now officially say that I have driven through the middle of Manhattan, mid-day. And I thought Chicago traffic was bad...

You remember when you were taught to pay attention? Yeah, I guess I don't...

While on a trip to New York for work this week, I had to ride the subway to my destination (a first for me). Now, I'm used to Chicago L trains. Color coded, you stand on the BLUE PLATFORM to take the BLUE TRAIN...

I had no idea that when you hit up the platform for the 4 train in New York, the 2, 3, and 5 also stop there. So PAY ATTENTION to the sign on the side of the train. I ended up two stops down before I realized my oops, and then went I went to rush off at the next stop, I totally ATE IT on the concrete in my haste to exit the train.

Since I'm typing this, I very obviously survived, and I made it to my destination (45 minutes late), but I'm pretty sure a little piece of my pride is left down on that Atlantic St. platform. LOL!

I'm determined to write more...

Sometimes, I think I'm a bit guarded on my blog. I worry about sounding negative all the time. So I write nothing.

Truthfully, I'm a bitter bitch lately. We're on the Clomid, I'm temping, and using OPKs, and I'm already tired of it. I look around at people who have 2, 3, 4 kids, and have no problem getting pregnant, and I want to scream. I would have thought that after 2 years, a little bit of the bitterness would go away, but it just seems to be getting worse by the moment.

I am substantially horrible

at having anything remotely interesting to say.

Perhaps it's because I have the same thing on my mind, all the time? Maybe it's just a lack of anything interesting to write about.

I'm mentally blocked, for this venue. Bleh.

Ugh!!

Blood pregnancy test negative, back on the Provera. 2 cycles of Clomid left, at 100mg. Back on the Metformin. Starting to question how far I'm willing to go for this. Not a good day. I know that many other people have been through far worse in their quest for kids, but mentally, I'm draining fast.

Eff you, Jillian Michaels...

Did the 30 Day Shred last night. Now, I'm not planning on doing the program in just 30 days. You see, (and this is not excuses, just facts), I am too fat to do her program fully.

Hear me out.

She claims jumping jacks can be done by anyone, as well as pushups. Um... have you ever had a good 50lbs of straight up FAT bouncing up and down on your midsection as you do your jumping jacks, Jillian? It causes a wave effect, so boobs also fly up, and even the best bra can't keep a set of DD's down. And it just plain HURTS. The skin pulling like that, I mean.

Also, pushups are really shitty on someone how has carpal tunnal in both wrists.

On the flip side, I do love the circuit training/muscle confusion method, because I don't get bored and it goes pretty quickly. I don't mind the abs routines, or the strength training, because it burns, but I can make it through, and do the exercises properly.

So for right now, I plan on alternating the 30 Day Shred, and a weight loss yoga DVD I have. Until I can comfortably (ok, well not COMFORTABLY, but without feeling like my giant stomach is going to fall off) do the jumping jacks. The pushups are just something I'll have to keep at too.

Then, Jillian Michaels, I will accept your challenge fully.

Pushing forward....

After I got done bitching on that last post ;) I made some calls. I'm moving forward with another round of Metformin, and am running to the OB/GYN for a blood draw tomorrow, to try to figure out why in the world I still have a bunch of negative tests, and no period. Keep on chugging, I guess!

Will starts his new job tomorrow, so there is much excitement in our house tonight! Making him his favorite bacon pasta for dinner. If I am ambitious enough, perhaps I'll take some pictures and share this awesome, yummy recipe!

I hate doctors...

I had my appointment with the endocrinologist yesterday. First of all, his staff, and he, was extremely rude. He yelled at me 3 times. COME ON. Also? His diagnosis is completely different from my PCP, and he wants me to do another blood draw. Seriously? I'm done with this. One doctor says I can't take Metformin while trying to get pregnant, another says I can. Both of them give me this, "You're not trying hard enough to lose weight" attitude, while my OB/GYN says I'm working hard, and the PCOS is what's working against me. The Metformin makes me shit my brains out (sorry if that's TMI), even after taking it for a month or more, my stomach does not adjust to it.

So, I have options. I can call the nurse at my PCP and ask her to refer me to someone else, but that will be another wait for an appointment, and another $40 co-pay, which I'm not really in the mood to waste, after wasting it on a rude doctor. Or, I can call the nurse at the PCP and tel her to just have him refill my stupid metformin prescription, and deal with shitting constantly. Which, you know, works out perfectly for me, seeing as I spend half my life on damn airplanes right now.

On top of it all, my chart shows ovulation on CD14 (which is consistent with my Clomid use) but I am now on CD43 with a bunch of big Fat Negative pregnancy tests, and no period in sight. So add in a call to my OB/GYN today to find out if he'll do a blood pregnancy test for me, so I can do another round of Provera, force a period, and then another round of Clomid. What sucks about this is that the Provera takes a while to work for me, so effectively, this "1 month Clomid cycle" is going to turn into 2.

We've been TTC for 2 years now, and it's an interesting experience to see the looks on the faces of the people who, when we first lost Patrick, had the audacity to tell me, "You're still young. You have time."

2 years down the tubes, people. 2 effing years.

And, to add insult to injury, someone screwed up paperwork for the laparoscopy I had in January. So, even though I couldn't even schedule the procedure until the physician's group approved it, when the actual bill hit the group they denied it (more than likely, a clerical error), and so I got a bill in the mail from the hospital for $21,265. Which doesn't worry me, because I know it is covered, but is still another hassle that I have to waste time making phone calls to correct.

I miss the days when I was just HEALTHY. FML.

Off to D.C....

Another 2 day trip for work - this time, to Washington, D.C. I wouldn't mind so much, if it wasn't so damn early!!

FINALLY!

DH GOT A JOB!

It's decent pay, he goes in today to finish his paperwork and get his schedule, HE GOT A JOB!

I am so happy for him! (And, of course, for us, since it means things will be much easier now!)

On a lighter note...

I've officially lost 8lbs this month. WOOHOO!

Finally, something is working!

:(

Happy Birthday, baby girl. We still miss you. :(

P.W.O.
3/19/2009

I am frustrated.

Even my dreams won't let me have a bit of rest. I had weird dreams all night of having a newborn, and somehow I had to go back to traveling for work when it (he or she was never revealed in the dream) was only 2 weeks old. And I couldn't find a babysitter. So I was trying to travel with a 2 weeks old and take it to work with me.

So, something I haven't mentioned much here is that I've officially been declared diabetic by my PCP. He's sending me to an endocrinologist, because apparently the oral diabetes medications are not approved for sue during conception/pregnancy, so while we're trying, my only option is... vials/injections.

To say I am bummed is an understatement. I want to do what is best for my health, but really? As if I needed something else added on. Now I have to worry about finding hotel rooms with a fridge, how to get this stuff through airport security in the right way. I have to add testing my blood sugar to my list of morning activities, on top of temping, and my usual morning routine.

I know, I am whining. My health is at stake, and I should just be gung ho about taking care of it. But, this is my blog, so whine whine bitch whine. ;)

Or, you never know, maybe when I get to the endo, they'll have a different opinion? It's really up to them. Making the appointment today...

Come on, AF

I know, I know, I should step away from the pee sticks. Since I haven't been faithfully temping, I have no idea if/when I ovulated, so lord knows it could have been yesterday (though the Clomid seems to keep me pretty regular, but again, without temping, who knows). The wait kills me every time. If it's not this cycle, then let's just get it over with, shall we?

I'm home!

I love full week trips. Part of me doesn't like being away from home for so long, but I do love the feeling of COMING home on Friday, if that makes sense. Kind of makes me feel like I appreciate DH even more when I'm gone all week. I love that he picks me up at the airport - such a nice feeling to see his smile and how big and genuine it is. :)

Paranoia...

Trying to conceive is making me paranoid. No joke. Every stomach twinge, every bout of nausea, makes you instantly wonder if you're pregnant, which then quickly switches to that feeling of dread in your stomach, accompanied by the negative gods telling you that you haven't managed it yet, so why would now be any different. You over analyze EVERYTHING about your body, you blame yourself. You start dissecting every area of life, will your house be big enough? Will your salary be big enough? What about daycare, breast or bottle? (You have a lot of time on your hands, ya know? Cause it's not like once you get knocked up, you don't still have a couple more months to think about this crap.)

Can you tell the two week wait is killing me?

I've always flocked to city settings....

...and this is no exception. So far, I am really enjoying New York. Other than having to physically move someone away from me, because he was in my face and making me uncomfortable, I'm enjoying myself.

Don't ask me about work, though. That part of the trip is not going well.

Hello, New York!

Every day that I get to come to places like this, for free (well, not really, I'm here to work, though obviously not 24 hours a day), I have to stop and reflect on how thankful I am that I am allowed these opportunities. The work is thankless, and tedious, but I always dreamt or traveling for work, and fell into it by accident.

In Manhattan for the week, and can't wait to get checked into my room and settled in, so I can go explore a bit! I thought I would be prepared for the crazy cabbies, at least somewhat, since I'm from Chicago, but I was horribly wrong. LOL! The cabbies are definitely more crazy here.

As for the area, ask me again in a bit once I get to explore some. :)

Yep, I'm getting old...

As I type this (At 2:26a.m.), two of my friends and my husband are sitting on the couch, watching a movie, while I'm struggling to stay awake. I feel old. LOL. After a night of karaoke, I can barely keep my eyes open.

On the plus side, I won a karaoke contest tonight, so now I move on to a semi-final round next weekend. If I make it to the finals on March 19th, I'm up for a $250 prize, and a one hour recording session. I doubt I will win the whole thing, but based on the competition, I'd bet I make it to that final round.

Costumes/song-appropriate outfits are encouraged, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know!

Hello, waiting...

All signs point to the window being closed. (This is that damned fertile window I'm referring to.) So, now we wait.

Have I mentioned, I'm really, REALLY impatient??

Off to Denver...

Leaving for Denver tomorrow morning for a night. Will be interesting to see how this one night only trip goes - trying like hell not to have to bring more than my laptop bog, but that's difficult when you also have to look professional!

Excited!!

Got some more assignments at work.... 2 days in Denver next week, then Manhattan for a week after that. The following week is Florida, then a week at the office, and a tentative last week of March in Brooklyn, NY. Lots of new places I've never been... and I'll be in town for every baby making round to boot. Perhaps it would be to much to think maybe this round could be it, so that I won't have to worry about being in a hotel when I should be getting busy? :)

Moving forward!

Clomid starts tomorrow. Here's hoping I don't turn into a mega-bitch! ;)

Round 4... FIGHT!

Clomid, I'm trusting you with my fertility fate again. Don't fail me now.

Welcome to day 1, Clomid cycle 4.

My day goes a little like this....

This is going to sound bratty, but I hate being in the office. Granted, my weeks out of the office are usually hell on earth, but at least I am mentally occupied/challenged most of the time, and I'm on my feet about 75% of the time, so I am constantly moving.

Being in the office, however, is completely different. Here's a rundown of a typical office day:

7:30a - Try to arrive by this time. Usually still stuck in traffic.

7:45a - Stumble in the door, briefcase/laptop in one hand, wallet, phone, smokes, and drink in the other. Wonder if I have anything in my desk for lunch. Contemplate calling in. Be seen by my boss, thus rendering any more thoughts of calling in uesless. Toss everything onto desk.

8:00a - Start my status calls. Call all current customers for updates on various things. No one answers. Leave voicemails for all of them.

8:10a - Status calls out of the way, I settle in for a bit of reading internet news.

9:15a - Bridget (coworker) comes over, and invites me to join her for a smoke break. Of course. I needed a break from eonline.com, anyways.

9:30a - On the way back in, get cornered by Jeremy, the shipping guy. Chit chat with him, then stop by my old manager's desk to BS, a final stop at my roommate's desk to decide what we should have for dinner tonight. Head back towards my desk.

10:20a - Um, how did I just spend 50 minutes BSing with people? Ooops. No customers have called back yet.

10:45a - Complete an email exchange between myself and my mother, debating the merits of online grocery shopping. Realize that I need to do just that, but not sure what's in checking. Check balance. Realize I got paid yesterday. Let's pay some bills.

11:15a - 30 minutes, and $700 later, all the utilities are paid. Here's hoping what's left lasts another 2 weeks.

11:30a - spend 30 minutes checking various local food websites, for nutritional content. Choose Panda Express, and head out.

12:15p - Arrive at Panda, forget the whole, carefully planned, heathier options-meal I chose, get my usual (steamed rice and broccoli beef. It's not horrible, but I could do better).

12:45p - Arrive back at work. Eat lunch while pondering if calling customers back in the afternoon is too pushy (I'm not sales, they've already bought the product and I'm trying to get it installed for them. So it's not like I'm pushing a product.) Decide I will call a few again. Read some more news while eating.

1:30p - Realize that I've wasted 45 minutes reading trash about the Royal wedding. Toss the garbage.

1:45p - carry a machine I finished yesterday to shipping. While there, decide it's the perfect opportunity to step outside with the service guys for a smoke.

2:00p - Make a few MORE calls, and leave a few MORE voicemails. Wonder why, if these people already paid for these $20K pieces of equipment, they can't even return my calls for me to come actually INSTALL it.

2:30p - Meeting to discuss a coworker's customer. Mostly, I'm there because I have to be. Not my customer, not my install, so I do little more than listen and nod. Start to fall asleep, pinch myself a few times.

3:30p - Out of the meeting. Check voicemail. No return calls. No new emails. No new sales, so no new equipment to QC.

4:00p - Gather up things, turn off computer. Run into manager on the way out. Discuss with him, for 25 minutes, the status on all my customers (which is the same as it was a few days ago, sadly). Get in the car. Get home.

5:00p - Fall asleep on the couch.

Now, can someone explain to me why I am so TIRED, after that horribly dull day?

I miss being on the road. :( Hopefully I'll be heading to Denver next week though...

Tentative Travel Plans...

My current tentative plans for work travel for the next 5 weeks include Denver, CO, Brooklyn, NY, and the panhandle of Florida. I'm especially looking forward to the Brooklyn location. I'm hoping to make it to Times Square before I leave there!

It should be a fun, exciting few weeks. No more snowy, miserable trips to the middle of nowhere, Missouri for a while!

Yum

Lunchtime! I love when I am in the office, and I order a big group order from Jimmy Johns. Call me crazy, but there's something almost comforting about enjoying the company of the people I am forced to spend a ridiculous amount of time with. If I didn't get along with them, I think life would be a whole lot more unbearable around here. :)

I'm beginning to think....

....that life will never just BE.

Had my review for work today. Got the shaft. Lovely. Long story, but suffice it to say that a glowing review does nothing for employee morale, if you then say, "Well, we gave you more than enough of a raise last time, so nothing for you now."

You DIDN'T give me a raise. You switched me from hourly (with required overtime) to salaried, and bumped up the salary number, comparing it to my base hourly wage. On paper, I got a hell of a raise. In reality... I got about 25 cents an hour.

So, re-thinking your previous statement, 25 cents was too much to give me, in the two years I've worked my ass off for you? THAT makes me feel valuable...

/pityparty.

On the plus side, I got a beautiful watch from my hubby for Valentine's Day... but it's not the watch that tickled me, so much as the sentiment behind it...

"You already have nice earrings and a necklace, but they're your nice ones and you don't wear them on the road. I thought a really nice watch would give you something to wear more often, AND help you look more professional."

This same man gave me an e-reader for our anniversary last year, so I would have something to do in the airports. It is so nice to be with someone who really thinks about me, and what would benefit me. He could give me a shiny new ziplock baggie, but if he told me it was for my travel toiletries because my old one is looking ragged, I would be pleased as punch. (Tickled? Pleased as punch? What's come over me today....?)

I just love that he really thinks through it, when he gets me something, no matter how big, or how small. :)

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Just a quick note to say Happy VD to everyone. ;) I'll be spending mine on the couch with the hubs, just another boring Monday night for us, LOL, but I'll be HOME, not on the road, so that in itself is a gift.

Hope you are all able to share your VD with the ones you love, too.

Yes, I'm an immature 12 year old. ;)

In response to a rather rude comment made on one of my posts...

If you're not going to read the entire blog, and know the history, don't make rude fucking comments about things. Holier-than-thou attitudes are even worse for you than the Taco Bell you admonished me for eating, jack-ass.

Stupid sinus infections

So, while on the road this week, I managed to pick up a cold, and a sinus infection. Yuck! My doc was nice enough to call in an antibiotic for me, which I started yesterday, and already I can feel a difference.

Still waiting on Aunt Flo to show up, so we can get this Clomid round on the road. I'm nervous because the longer it waits, the more likely it is that I'll be out of town when I should be at home, doing the baby dance.

I'm much more calm about this go round. Rather than feeling stressed, I just worry a bit about timing, but I also kind of think, "well, I have refills, and there's always next month." Even if we don't conceive right away, at least this will force my body into a more normal cycle! (We hope).

So, things turned out better than expected...

I got the results of my tests - and my doctor is hopeful that I don't need to go the specialist route just yet. So, I'm on 10mg of Provera to force Aunt Flo, then back to the Clomid - 100mg doses this time. We'll try this for three months, and see what happens.

As my doctor says, "This is your year. This is your turn."

Let's hope he's right.

If you're interested....

I've started a second blog to chronicle my travels for work - at All My Fault

More than likely, the new blog will be updated a bit more than the older one, seeing as I travel a lot more than I get pregnant (har dee har har), but I am going to try to keep each blog somewhat separated, since the subjects themselves are pretty damn far apart.

A quick update....

Not sure if anyone reads this ole thang anymore, but I thought an update would be appropriate.... I had laparoscopy on Thursday to take a look at my internal organs, as well as a tubal patency test to check the function of my tubes. The tubes are fine, uterus is fine, but my ovaries are not. They should look like oysters, grey, dull, instead, they look like pearls, white, shiny. More than likely, full of cysts. My OB/GYN (a NEW one, not the old one that told me I was too fat to breed) is sending me to a specialist. I'm a little sad. He is not only my doctor, but my mom and grandma as well. My grandma even had an appointment with him the day before my surgery, in which he proceeded to tell her he would not rest until he made her a great grandmother. He's a wonderful doc, and will treat me if I get pregnant, but he's afraid he can't do enough for me to GET me there.

So, off to the specialist I go...