I really need to update this more...

I'm really bad at updating. My problem is, I think, that this blog was dedicated to chronicling my pregnancy, and subsequent BABY. Considering I have neither of those at the present moment, it seems a bit pointless. And I'm guessing none of you want dirty details on the babyMAKING part of it. My family does read this, after all.

There really is nothing new to report. I was hoping to be able to give out cutesy little "We're having a baby" Christmas presents, but considering we've got 3 more days until Christmas, well, that idea was shot down long ago. Are Easter presents acceptable? Of course, this is all assuming my uterus decides to co-operate, which thus far, it has not. We won't go into specifics, but I'm pretty sure she's on strike.

In other news, I got a new insult at work today - a customer told my boss he was repulsed by me. All because I tried to give him some cleaning tips, so that he wouldn't send in a dirty machine, so I wouldn't have to charge him a cleaning fee. I'm sorry my trying to save you $305 was such an insult, sir. How dare I say he's not cleaning his machine right... when he just told me he was doing it wrong... hmm... the joys of customer service!

There you go, first update in 2 months, and it's... boring. Such is life.

Completely off track....

I should be working. But I needed a mental break. Today has been, I kid you not, the day of weird. Like, machines coming in damaged, machines from a year ago finally being paid and needing to be billed, just the most random of stuff. And I'm trying to take phone calls in the middle of it all. Grr! It's not fun, but what can you do. I need a vacation!

Completely off track....

I should be working. But I needed a mental break. Today has been, I kid you not, the day of weird. Like, machines coming in damaged, machines from a year ago finally being paid and needing to be billed, just the most random of stuff. And I'm trying to take phone calls in the middle of it all. Grr! It's not fun, but what can you do. I need a vacation!

My brain is a mess...

As is my house, my car, my purse, and my desk at work... yep, it's October! I lose any and all sense of organization this month - since I more or less work 7 days a week now. FML!

I need desperately to get back on track.

And don't point me to FlyLady.com, cause I get the emails. LOL! That doesn't mean I find the motivation to DO them, though!

A down type of day...

I love that people are quick to tell me that I'm allowed to have down days still.

No, that wasn't sarcasm. I think sometimes I need to be reminded that I don't always have to have an iron front.

I spend a lot of energy telling my story and keeping a straight face, the perfect front. I spend a lot of energy to act as though I'm perfectly, 100% fine.

I also do this around people I don't get along with, but that's a discussion for another day.

I just can't help but feel like a bit of a failure. I know I'm not past my prime. I know people have children all the time, who are older than me.

But all this has been this crazy sort of kick in the face reminder that life is not everlasting.

It's official....

Dr. P confirmed it as PCOS. I'm relieved that I have an answer, but sad because to correct this, I'm now officially on birth control. The dreaded BC. I know, in the long run, this will help things, but I can't help but feel a little defeated that, at least for now, I won't be getting my BFP anytime soon....

Wii Fit is de debbil.

Day 41. Clear view ahead. WHAT. THE. F@$!?!?

C'mon, mother nature, I know you're in a gifty mood. Pass along the worst gift ever, and move on, so's I can get on makin us a bebeh.

And F the Wii Fit. F it right in the A.

Day 37. I hate my reproductive organs.

37 days? For pete's sake. What a pain in my butt.

There's got to be something going on here...

I just don't feel right. Part of me is wishing it's cause I'm pregnant, but the other part of me thinks I'm not. I'm irritable, crampy, tired, and achy, I really hope I'm not sick. There's just no good explanation for how I'm feeling other than being knocked up, and it's too early to tell on a pee stick if I am. What a pain in my ass.

I'm too impatient for my own good. I know this, but I can't get past it.

I did, however, make quit the life statement to my mom last night. I flat out told her that I know that everyone else seems to think I'm nuts for wanting a baby so bad, and I've been letting everyone's opinions affect me, but...

I'M 29 YEARS OLD! I'm a fucking adult! Let me do what I want! It's not like I'm 16 and trying to get pregnant. I'm well beyond the scary oops years. We've been married 2 years (anniversary is 1 month from today) and we're finally on our feet, and things are going pretty well. We have our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but that's just life. And I'm tired of waiting around for other people to tell me that what I am doing is "right" or "wrong". Fuck 'em. I'm doing what I want. And what I want, at 29 years old, is to start a family. This is definately not a strange desire.

2WW, hurry up and end!

TTC, DPO, 2WW.... a girl could get lost in the acronyms...

So, we only pulled off one attempt this month. How sad is that? BUT....

The one attempt landed on my O date.

Dear god, I mean, I knew I was fertile based on CM, but we picked a pretty good date to do the deed huh?

Now we wait. Argh!

I am continually amazed at the lengths people will go to to make themselves feel better...

Like the guy, this morning, who told me I was "snotty" and "talking to you is like going to the dentist", all because I was nice enough to tell him that buying a new machine would be cheaper than having his ancient one repaired. Oh, and he kept calling me "sweetheart", in a snotty tone.

Oh, and the neighbor I mentioned yesterday, who got upset over the note on the car? She CALLED THE LANDLORD! LOL! Who promptly emailed me and told me she was fine with me putting parking notices on cars, but that I should have asked the neighbors if their cars were there. Um.... I knocked on everyone's doors before I did it... maybe the snotty Coach-carrying yupster should have answered her door. (Although, in hindsight, I really should have known that the silver Volvo was theirs, haha).

Then again, I doubt she could hear it over the sounds of her children trampling around her apartment like elephants.

There is no greater feeling...

...than a sense of completion.

Everything in my life lately has been one big ball of uncomplete, open ended events. Completion is something I get little of.

AF showed up today. Thank god. While a positive pregnancy test would be grand, I just don't want to have any mishaps again, and since I'm still in the middle of all this testing, this is a blessing in disguise. Now onto bigger and better things - like "practice" for the main event. ;)

On the issue of getting unpacked and settled into the apartment, well, that got put on hold in favor of quilting this weekend, but rest assured I will get back into the swing of things this week (only because my sewing machine is buried in the other room, and I need it to continue the quilt. HAHA). At least SOMETHING is motivating me.

I am also extremely thankful for the END of the Taste of Summer here in town. I resorted, today, to writing nasty notes to the people who parked in our spots, which backfired on me when I accidentally put them on the NEIGHBOR'S cars, and they got pissed. Well, sue me. At least I didn't call the tow company and have every car but ours towed. You didn't answer your door when I knocked to ask which cars were yours, so oh well. The neighbor lady hates me now, I think, but A) the note said "If you're not a resident of 910 Main...", and you are, so you should have disregarded any further text, and B) You can't tell me it doesn't piss you off when you have to walk 3 blocks with your two loud ass kids when these people blatantly disregard the private parking signs and steal our spots. Pull the stick out of your ass, lady.

I'm getting super frustrated....

So, welcome to day 41. What a pain in the ass. LOL!

See, here's my issue. I'm torn between wanting a positive, and wanting to wait another month or two to get this as of yet unexplained blood sugar problem I have under control. (I'm pretty dang sure, based on how I've been feeling lately, that I'm going to be handed a blood sugar monitor at my doctor's appointment next weekend).

The waiting is what's killing me. I can handle a negative. Hell, I've had three negatives in the last week. (Yes, I am obsessively testing). And I've felt not a twinge of anything when I see the negatives.

But with no sign of AF, I am starting to feel broken. Or... like, incomplete. Like a sentence with no period

See? Isn't that annoying? It's not the end of the world, but looking at that sentence, doesn't it make you want to draw a lil dot on your computer screen? ;)

I would just like some sort of definitive end to this cycle. I really don't want to get AF too late in the month, because, well, wouldn't that be some shit, being all moody and CRABBY on 7/31/2009....

And speaking of... the day is fast approaching. I'm not sure how that's affecting me yet. It's SO SCARY to think that right now, I would be :::GASP::: 38 weeks pregnant. I know in my heart I'll be a mom some day, but the reality of the fact that I'm fast approaching 30 is setting in.

Well, can you believe this?

Day 38, and still no AF. What is going on here? I usually to be like 35 days, max. I'm getting concerned. Either something is wrong, or we're knocked up. Or my body just thinks it's funny to make me worry. LOL!

Good news: I WON SOMETHING!! First off, must give love to my girl - http://the818.com. It's a super fun blog, and this is one super fun girl (I have the pleasure of hearing lots of fun details about her upcoming pregnancy on a message board we both frequent) and she had a drawing for a super AWESOME Dalla Nonna Calendar Necklace. And guess who won? ME! And I never win ANYTHING!

Did I mention, also, that mom bought a new car, and is handing her old one off to me, so no more sharing a car for Will and I?

Perhaps things are turning around....

Ugh - annoying!

So, I've been (trying) to chart my cycles, though this last couple weeks I haven't temped, because my thermometer was packed up. I was looking back through my info, and UGH! My last 3 cycles have been 48 days, then 32 days, and now this cycle, I'm on day 35 with no sign of AF. I'm frustrated because I found my thermometer today and I'm annoyed that this is another long cycle. I'm not looking forward to temping again because I always forget until it's too late. Hopefully I can get better about it, and hopefuly AF will come soon, so I can get back in the swing of things...

I haven't posted much, but today seems like a good day...

Some days are harder than others. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'm excited about moving (YAY!) but it hurts my heart to know that we should have been using the second bedroom as a nursery. Things are going according to the plan I had, minus the baby that should have been coming into the world to reside there, too.

It hurts to know that I was excited about spending my birthday on Monday feeling my baby kick the crap out of me. What a sweet birthday present that would have been. But no.

My head is full of emotions I can't even explain. It almost seems weird to be so happy about moving when I really just want to scream and cry, some days.

I'm doing better, but am by no means back to whole, and that scares me, more than anything. Because I don't think I ever will be.

I was talking with a co worker on Friday about how I always had these big plans, things I wanted to have done by the time I was 30, and now that's just a year away. And none of it's done. That's just plain depressing. And I never really feel different on my birthdays, as much as you'd think you would. Until this year.

Monday's going to be tough, I think. I should have been preparing to be a mom... not waking up every morning to take my temperature and log it, wondering when, or even IF, I'll get the chance again.

Bleh.

Got the results of the testing, and HOLY WOW, this is nuts...

Patrick, or should I say, PATRICIA, had a VERY RARE (rare as in less than 150 known cases IN THE WORLD. E.V.E.R.) "sequence".

This is going to get complicated, so pardon my lack of tact, but what I'm about to say is the easiest way to explain all this...

Our baby was like a Barbie Doll. Ambiguous genitalia, and NO HOLES. None. Meaning, baby could not "pee" to create the amniotic fluid, because it had nowhere to come out of. There was a "bump" on the front of the pelvis, coupled with a lack of a vaginal opening, HOWEVER, chromosomal testing revealed a XX. That's right, folks. Patrick is a Patricia.

The internal organs were fairly well formed, given the circumstances, but there was no vaginal opening, the urethra didn't reach the outside, and there was no anus. Barbie Doll. Yeah, it's tactless, but it gets the point across.

The name of this syndrome is Urorectal Septum Malformation Sequence. This explains the long wait for the results - they had no idea what they were dealing with!

We're blown away, and have been laughing hysterically since we got all this info. It's not "funny" but it's typical that something so random would happen to me - I have bad luck like that. And that's all it was - luck. There is suspicion that this can be caused by uncontrolled blood sugar levels, so they've recommended I get a full diabetes screening, but even if I have diabetes, and WAS managing it at the time, it wouldn't have necessarily prevented this.

A fluke, ladies. And according to this OB (the one who delivered baby... girl?!?) once I've done the screening, and taken the steps necessary based on the results, we most certainly can try again.

Feel free to ask any questions you'd like - this is beyond random, for sure, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. Definitely not the answers I was expecting, but its answers, and I feel tons better.

Oh, and also, this was not genetic, so no testing other than an ultrasound would have clued us into this. And earlier ultrasounds might not have revealed any of this because the organs weren't big enough to recognize the abnormalities yet. So.... we really couldn't have found out any sooner than we did. Which also comforts me.

A quick lil' update...

I feel compelled to update my blog, but since I’m at work, I’m forced to do it all James Bond-esque. Soooo, right now, this is actually being typed into a Word docutment at 8pt font. HAHA. I go to such great lengths to avoid working…

We go to the geneticists on Friday at 12:30 to get all the results of Patrick’s testing. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Talk about drawing out the experience. I find my whole experience sad, and I’m not talking about losing my baby, either. I expect that to be heartbreaking. What sucks even worse is being treated like a statistic, being brushed off, and not given answers. Even if the answer is “fluke”, “we don’t know”, at least make it look like, for 5 minutes, you care that I lost my kid, mmmkay? Thanks.

Apartment hunting is going terribly. I feel like we’re never going to find anything. Then I see my neighbors, who rent, and with as asshole-ish as they are, I know SOMEONE, somewhere will rent to us. There is always hope. I just have to keep searching for the perfect place.

I’m sure I will have more to say on Friday, but until then, toodles!

Happy Mother's Day to everyone....

My mom just said Happy Mother's Day to me, and then stared at me to see my reaction.

At least I didn't cry. LOL.

Moving forward??

I FINALLY have an appointment with the geneticists. Friday, May 29th at 12:30p. At the hospital where I lost Patrick. I took the full half day off, there's no way I'm going back to work after that.

However, if all goes well, I'll be using that half day to move into a new apartment... Will and I may have FINALLY found a place...

On the flip side, where, oh where is Aunt Flo???

Ambien in my system = a short post, because it's taking me forever to type. LOL

I sang...

Today, I sang.

Let me back up.

Today, I enjoyed the weather. I ate well again. And I went to the gym after work. I simply walked on a treadmill. I walked because I want to walk in a March of Dimes walk, for Patrick, and I don't want to die while doing it. LOL! I did a little over 2 and a half miles (the March of Dimes walks are 4 miles).

Then, after going and getting food with Will, I drove home. And did something I've always loved, but haven't done in a long time. I drove, and I sang. I drove out of my way, and sang some more.

I sang some country, some rock, some sad songs, some happy ones.

But I sang, louder, harder, longer, than I have in a long time. It wasn't that weak ass singing I've been doing lately, the stuff that makes me cringe when I do it at Karaoke and sound like a asshole.

It was true, good, deep singing. It was the singing I did before, and during, my pregnancy. It was singing that I haven't gotten CLOSE to since I lost him, that every time I attempted, I started to cry.

That was some good stuff.

We took the plunge...

Will and I joined a gym last night. We start tonight, fun! It's been a few years since I've been a gym-goer, but I used to LOVE it, so lets hope I love it just as much this time around. I'm decided to say screw my doctor, and wait 2 cycles before we TTC again. I'm not waiting a MINIMUM of 8 months, nope, sorry. I'm not one of those women who can't get through a doorway (sorry to sound mean, but) I've seen larger women than I deliver healthy babies, and after our loss, we're more ready than ever to actually TRY. Now if only I would remember to temp every day, I'd be golden... Think of me tonight, as I'm spending my first session with the personal trainer... I'm scared!!!

The wait is killing me....

I broke down and called the high risk OB who delivered Patrick, today. I am tired of the waiting. After a few transfers, I was told that the genetic testing is not back yet, but should be in the next few days. I can call at the end of next week to get a copy of that. The autopsy results take a bit longer, so they are having me schedule a "post loss" follow up in 6 weeks to make sure those are in by the time of my appointment. BUT that would be the first week of June, and they don't have the schedule yet, so they're calling me back tomorrow to get it scheduled.

I just want some answers, people. Is this so much to ask??

I'm just plain pissed...

Today was my 4 week follow up, and I must say, what a crock of shit. I most definately need a new doctor. To make a long story really short, he told me I'm fat. Oh, sorry, "unhealthy and overweight", and that due to this, not only could it have been a factor in losing my son (bite me) it also leads him to think that he does not want me pregnant until at LEAST the end of the year, and that's depending on how much weight I lose.

I just lost my son halfway through my pregnancy, the pregnancy where I even ASKED about my weight, and I was alright, and now you're going to suddenly tell me I'm too fat to get pregnant, wait 8 months and ask again if you drop some weight, fatty? I just LOST my SON? I have babies on the brain constantly? And you want me to wait 8 months "at least"? HAHAHAHA

Bite my fat arse, and find a new patient, cause I'm sure as hell finding a new doctor.

Now if only AF would show up and let me know that things are working a bit more normally down there, I wouldn't even have needed a dang followup to tell me that everything else is fine. Ugh.

Just a thought....

There’s something to be said about a cloudy day. Most people would complain, I disagree. Just light enough to see outside, no sun to blind you. Things seem clearer, to me, when it’s like this.

I’m not talking about a gray, nasty day, but one where the sun’s out, just hidden by clouds. But you know it’s there, and you can still feel its warmth…

Can kind of apply to all aspects of life, can’t it?

I’m tempted to go out tonight. But I know when the time comes I’ll doubt it… I really don’t want to lose it in public, especially if Will’s not there. I depend on him a lot, these days. Seems like sometimes, he’s the only one who understands how I feel. He lost Patrick, just as I did. It’s a little sad how all of this has seemed to bring us closer together. I feel more secure in my marriage than ever. (Even though the depression would make me think otherwise, at times).

And on that note, I definitely feel for anyone who’s suffered depression, true depression, in their lifetime. You always say you’re depressed, but when it actually happens to you, you’ll know it, and it will suck royally. Because there’s no logical explanation for how horrible you feel, which only brings you down farther… I’m just glad that my bouts with it have been easy enough that I can acknowledge it and not let it ruin me.

This is going to be a long day, I can already tell.

An interesting thought....

I read something on someone's blog today (and if it was yours, I'm keeping you anon., don't worry) :o) talking about being scared to get pregnant again, and how people just pop up and say they're ready to try again very soon after a loss...

It made me think a bit, and here's the conclusion I've come to (mind you, this is also considering the fact that I'm starting to chart and will start temps tomorrow, to start building a database for when we are given the go ahead to try again).

I'm not ready to have another baby.

But I wasn't ready for Patrick, either.

As scared as I am of what could happen the next time, I know if I let fear rule my life, there's a lot of things I would never have done. Including getting pregnant with Patrick, or holding him as he was passing, things that blow my mind still that I was able to do.

I'll never be ready, fully. I'll always have a scar on my heart, and I'll always mourn him.

But I also refuse to sit around waiting until the "perfect" opportunity comes along, because itnever will. So, I'm charting now, to try to figure out when my body's back into whack (and let's hope it gets there) and then when the doctors say we can, we'll try again. It's all we can do.

As sad and shocked and lonely and upset as I can feel at times, I also refuse to live in the past.

R.I.P., little man. Mommy and Daddy love you to bits.

P.S. The "trying" is the fun part, anyways, right? Hehehe.

An interesting view...

Someone posted this, this morning, on www.thebump.com, on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board. She said it was a previous post from a while back when she'd experienced her loss, and I don't know who the original author was, but they hit the nail right on the head.

A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.

Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.

When you become pregnant you enter a big club for women. Its a subculture. You are accepted into the club with open arms. But when you loose the baby youare no longer a part of this club and you can no longer "fit right back in" to where you were before you were pregnant. You are in limbo. There's no where to go.

At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."

One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)

One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."

Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?

One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.

It's enough to drive you insane.

And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.

You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.

When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.

The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.

You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept.

The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. Other people around her have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing. And you will be amzed at what a little thing does to help. Such loving and kind words at a time of loss has the most profound feelings of healing and acceptance. Its the difference between "not knowing how to get through this" and "gee maybe I can get through this after all." Thats the power that supportvie actions have on a woman who has just had a miscarriage.

Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;

Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:

Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.

Don't Avoid her. She may feel totally rejected. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a womens issue.

Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself. She doesn't need "cheering up" she needs love and to talk about whats happened.

Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so. It will feel like you are shutting out her deep feelings of sadness.

Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem, she wanted her new one just as much as she wanted the others. Each child is unique.

Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether it took her five minutes or five years to conceive she's still experienced a huge loss that has profoundly changed her life. She is now a different person.

The best thing that you can do is:

Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.

Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.

Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."

Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.

Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.

Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.

Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.

Treat her miscarriage like you would the death of a loved one in her family- because the baby was a loved one who has indeed died.

And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.

Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again. Just a gentle support, a loving message, a phone call to say hi will be appreciated in ways she may not be able to express. Never underestimate how good your love can be

I'm not as bad as it sounds...

I know there are a lot of people worried about me, after the things I posted yesterday. Let me be clear I'm pretty lever headed about the whole thing. I don't break down and cry every 5 minutes, I'm not going to kill myself, I'm really, truly ok. I mean, what other choice do I have? Let it consume me, and think all those things I talked about yesterday, all the time, every day?

I'm no stronger than anyone else, emotionally... I'm just strong enough to make the choice to move forward.

The things I said yesterday were things that DO go through my mind. When people tell me they're here for me if I need to talk, those are the things I WANT to say. The problem is that I also don't want to say those things out loud. They're pretty dark, pretty morbid, pretty disturbing. That was just a vent from the dark part of my soul, right now.

But really, 95% of the time, I'm doing ok. Have no fear. I don't give up that easily. I will move forth, and soon be pregnant again. I'm still determined to have enough kids to take over the world. ;o)

Make a choice, they said....

In a discussion today about contractions, someone had the nerve to suggest to me that mine maybe weren't as bad as they could have been Given that Patrick was so small. And it got me thinking. About all the things I can say about the whole situation. That I haven't said. Maybe in my head, but not out loud. And here's my well thought out response to that.

Fuck you.

Physically, they were the same, if not worse than a natural labor, because of the drugs.

Mentally? Well, let's see. Take a woman, tell her she's going to have a little version of her in, oh, 7 months. Let her listen to the heartbeat, the heartbeat coming from INSIDE OF HER. Then, halfway through, tell her oops, nope, sorry, baby's not ok. Make the choice.

Make the choice to kill your child.

Sure, it was the best choice, given the circumstances. Sure, it's better than going in one day and being told your baby is no longer alive.

Yeah, right.

Make the choice. Make the choice to end another human being's life. Make the choice to shake up his world, his once cozy home. To surround him by moaning, yelling, tightening. We have no idea how a baby processes pain, Mrs. Oliver. We don't know when, for sure, he'll die, Mrs. Oliver. But make the choice. To sit yourself in a hospital room and wait to deliver your baby. He can't talk. Take whatever drugs you need, Mrs. Oliver. As much as you want, drug yourself, drug the baby. Let random people walk in every hour hours and jam pills so far up your fucking most private of areas, that you've got bruises on the surrounding areas.

Make the choice. It's the right choice. But no one said it was the easy one.

Sit in a hospital bed, staring at your husband, asleep, your husband, who helped you create this life, knowing he'll never understand what you do. Knowing that his heart will hurt as much as it possibly can, and being thankful he won't know how much worse it can get.

Sit at home the night before, feeling little kicks to your bladder, knowing your child is in there, and make the choice to force the baby out.

It's for the baby's own good, they said. What about mine? What about the fact that I have to live with that choice every god damned day of my life, however long that may be?

Take your tiny little son from the nurses, Mrs. Oliver. Only hold him out in front of you, like he's some foreign object, because he's too small to cradle fully in your arms. Feel his body jerk as he desperately tries to gasp for air.

Stare death right in the fucking face, and beg for its mercy, beg that somehow you can give your life for this tiny little baby's. You don't know what pain is until you've truly looked death in the eye and said take me, and meant it with every fucking ounce of your being.

Feel your heart break as you feel life slide right out of you, and know in your heart that it inevitably means death.

Hold something in your hands that was INSIDE YOUR BODY only a few moments ago. Look at beauty in its purest form and have it stolen away from you. Feel its warmth drain away, like a flower wilting, but so fast, too fast.

Watch your husband only look at his son, because he can't hold him. Because it's just too painful. Your father in law break down sobbing worse than a child at the sight of his grandson. Your mother, running from the room because her grandson is dying right in front of her and she can't do anything to save him, or to save the sanity of her daughter. Understand, finally, how much your mother loves you, because it's how much, and more, you love this tiny little man in your hands.

With every tiny jerk and gasp he makes, feel another part of your heart break away, even though moments ago you thought it was already gone.

Pick up your baby, YOUR SON, and feel him so cold, like ice, through two blankets. So cold you could scream, so cold you instinctively hold him closer to warm him. So darkly colored because, guess what? HE'S DEAD. Refuse to leave your dead son laying anywhere but in your hands for as long as you are there, because you hope and pray that every minute you hold him, somewhere, somehow, his soul feels that much more love coming from you. That if you don't put him down, this won't end, you won't have to walk away.

HOLD YOUR DEAD SON IN YOUR HANDS AND THEN TELL ME ABOUT PAIN.

Be a woman giving birth to life, but make her watch it die. Be a woman, having to make a choice to kill her baby before a deformity does.

Be a mother, without a child to hold anymore.

I want to talk about it, so badly, I want to SAY these things, instead of just thinking them, or blogging them. But this is shit that pulls you to a place most people can't understand. Nor do I want them to.

So fuck you, my shit didn't hurt. The pain of contractions hurts, to a degree, but the pain of waiting for your child to die makes the rest 10 times stronger.

And for those of you wanting me to talk about it a bit more, get it out, you say? If you thought you understood an ounce of what I am going through, maybe you'll rethink that now.

I appreciate everyone's concern, but the worst part of this is knowing that no one can really understand where I am at, mentally, even if you've been through this exact same thing, because it's different for everyone.

And I hope that anyone reading this never truly understands anything I've said here, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm still amazed.

It's like a light switch, that some unseen force controls. One minute, I'm fine, the next, I am miserable. I'm dealing well with losing Patrick but not with the lack of answers. I want to be around people and laugh again, have fun, but the minute the opportunity is presented to me, I go into panic mode and can't fathom actually leaving the house. But then I've done my hair and makeup more in the last few weeks for work than I have the rest of the time I've worked here.

My poor brain just needs a break, I think.

I'm back on my diet, but not sticking to it very well. Baby steps, right? I need to start working out but there's a lack of space at our house and since Chicago gets SNOW IN APRIL, walking is not yet an option. This weekend is supposed to be nicer, perhaps I can start then.

Just feeling a lot lately like my life has no purpose. At all.

Spinning brain...

I flip between happy and sad so quickly right now, it's unreal. I'm frustrated because I want so badly to see friends and whatnot, yet the idea of being out in a group scares me. I think it's just too much. I don't want people to ask me, "How are you doing?" in that sad voice. I don't want to have to explain anymore that no, I'm not pregnant anymore. Just like that. 3 weeks ago I was heading off right now to have my first ultrasound. I was so excited! How does it go so quickly? Why was this stolen from me? Who the fuck did I piss off?

I feel like I've hit a wall...

I started to feel a little down last night, and attributed it to the fact that no matter how hard anyone tries, my going out with the girls on a Thursday night just is not a good idea.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong.

All day today I've felt like there are tears just under the surface. The more I wonder why I feel this way, the more frustrated I become. The more frustrated I get, the more I want to cry. It's a never ending cycle. I've never felt this down in my life, and it's scaring me. A lot.

Please, please, please let this pass. Before I lose my mind, or have to call my doctor and admit how I feel and be sent to a freaking shrink.

No offense to anyone who seeks therapy, I've been in therapy before. Until I told her to go to hell, because she told me all my problems were my mom's fault.

That kinda turned me off to therapy, lol.

Just some random thoughts...

I'm amazed at the peace I feel now that the cremation is over with.

The bleeding has stopped, for now. Let's hope it stays that way for a month!

And let's hope that the prescription I FINALLY got today helps the sleeping situation. I feel I'd be in a much better mental state with a few good solid hours of sleep in me! (The Long Island-induced sleep this weekend didn't count, since I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed!)

Some things to think about....

I've been trying to sit down and write out a list of questions for my doctor's appointment on 4/16. But I'm at a loss. I know the two big things I want to ask are when can we start trying again, and if my next pregnancy would be considered high risk, given what's happened this time around. (I have a feeling that we can't answer that until all the test results come back). I'm also considering calling the high risk OB who delivered me, and who will be giving us the test results, if I haven't heard from them by the time I go to my follow up. I am really hoping that they don't want to send me back to that OB. I felt rushed out and left with very little answers, about my OWN health/well being. I felt cheated that I wasn't given any after instruction other than to watch for excessive clots, that I wasn't given an option of taking a few more days off work. No warning of how long I might bleed. Then, when I call to make my followup, they say I don't need one? Um, HELLO? I just delivered a 21 week old baby. I'm glad I addressed my own concerns and called my regular OB. The RECEPTIONIST didn't even ask my OB, just immediately said "Of course you need a followup!" Well, DUH.

Now I wait, impatiently, for my followup, and some answers.

He is home...

Will picked up Patrick's cremains today, and had my pendant filled and sealed. I didn't think I would be able to even look at the box, but I wanted to, and did, it's just a cardboard bx, with a big label with his name on it. That took a deep breath to read. I finally opened it to find.... a ziplock baggie. Don't ask me why I found that funny. All that heartbreak, all that drama, all that hurt, and pain, and worry, all rolled up into a neat little self sealing bag. Chew one THAT one for a while.

My son should not be in a box on my kitchen table right now. My son should be in my belly, warm and safe and cozy. But it wasn't meant to be that way. So, we ate dinner with him nearby, and a little part of him hangs near my heart. And breaks it over and over again. And yet, fills it with love, that I got to see his little tiny STOLEN nose (it was mine first!!) and daddy's big ears.

With one breath, he stole all of mine. But I can't cry today. It feels like it's going to come, but doesn't. I don't he wants me to cry today. It's a good day, he is home.

On the flip side, I had a yummy before bed snack of a caramel apple, topped with an Ambien chaser (no, my prescription did not get filled, I just have a generous grandma, on the same meds). I'm off to try, once again, to get some much needed sleep. And perhaps let out a few of the tears brimming beneath the surface.

This song just describes me right now....

I've always loved this song. Hell, I've always loved Tool in general. A line from this song is planned as a tattoo on me one of these days. But today it's striking me even more.

The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.
But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.
Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.
If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.

One week already. This hurts.

Holy ta tas!

Well, the inevitable is happening... I'm growing porn star boobs. Yep, here they come. Never in my lifetime have them been this big, or this firm. It's amusing, until I realize that they are attached to me and they HURT LIKE A MOFO! And they like to knock things over.

I wore a tight bra to bed last night, plus wrapped a giant ace bandage around myself. When finished, I looked like a fat man. HAHA. While Will was at work, he got some cabbage and brought it home for me, so I'm going to try the cabbage leaves in the bra trick at night - we'll see how that goes - NOT looking forward to that!

My butterfly pendant has shipped and I am crossing my fingers that it gets here by Wednesday - I'm now kicking myself that I didn't just pay for the faster shipping. I would prefer it to come in before we pick up Patrick's ashes from the funeral home, as they have offered to fill it for me when we go there, and truth be told, while I have been handling things quite well, I think having to pop open the bag of my son's ashes and scoop some out would be more than even I can handle.

Here's hoping these last few things will fall into place, and the boobs will calm down a bit, and we can just move along through the grieving process.

And on a lighter note, the March of Dimes Virtual Band in Patrick's name is now up to $525! I can't believe it!

Trying to sort my thoughts.....

We went to the funeral home today. The funeral director (who is a friend of a friend) was really nice, and gave us a great deal. God, that sounds so wrong to say!! It was just nice to not feel like we were being taken advantage of or anything. Patrick's ashes will be ready on Wednesday, and they will also take care of filling and sealing the cremation pendant we bought as well. It was a hard trip to make but I'm glad it's out of the way.

I started to pack up some maternity clothes that I hadn't quite grown into yet. I don't think I will need the pants anymore either, there's already a difference in fit, and I hadn't gained much to begin with. So, no time like the present to get back onto the diet I was on pre pregnancy. I felt like the weight I lost was what got us pregnant in the first place (2 years of unprotected sex with no result, I lose 25lbs and suddenly we were pregnant... what do you think??) So it's time to get back on that. Perhaps it will help for next time...

I am confident there will be a next time. We were never trying and I think we will go back to our same method of letting fate decide what is best for us.

Here's hoping that fate decides sooner than later. In the meantime, I can focus on what's getting me through this - raising money for a good cause. The March of Dimes page in Patrick's name has raised $505 so far! What an amazing, generous gift, and most of it from people who don't even know us, and have just been following our story here through this blog.

I will never forget, ever in my lifetime, the generosity of strangers. And I plan on telling my future children all about this as well, so maybe they'll be inspired to give back someday as well.

Wow. Just wow.

The amount of love is amazing. Everyone keeps telling me I'm the amazing one for going thru this so strongly, but I disagree. I think it's the people who are coming together to do something so generous and wonderful in honor of people they've never met.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/howtohelp/b.asp?band_id=47580

What wonderful people these are. As of now, this has been open for 2 hours and already has $300 in donations! What a wonderful way to help us realize that something good can come out of something so sad!

One more update...

He weighs in at almost exactly 1lb. He's getting pictures and footprints done now.

I should be ready to be released around 3pm. At that time, our beautiful baby will head off to be autopsied. Hopefully between this and the genetic testing we've asked for, we can find out a little more about why this happened.

Then, a funeral home in our town will pick him up and prepare him and cremate him.

A friend of mine who knows my love for butterfly jewelry found the most beautiful creamtion pendants that you can seal a loved one's ashes in. I plan on buying one shortly so that a little piece of my baby boy will be always close to my heart.

The rest of the ashes, I plan on having a tree planted somewhere, in a local park maybe, dedicated to Patrick, and spread his ashes there.

I'm ready to say goodbye to him and go home. It's too much being here, I need to go home, and bawl my eyes out, and sleep, and wake up knowing that he's a happy, healthy baby now.

It's a boy!

Patrick William Oliver was born today, 3/19/2008, at approximately 9am. He has his daddy's chin and ears, and mommy's nose. He is absolutely perfect, and is at peace.

The chaplain came and baptised him.

Thank you for your prayers. Right now he is being photographed and they are taking footprints for us. Then I will spend some more time with him before being released later this afternoon.

WE HAVE A SON!

Praise God for the precious moments we get with him today!

More drugs...

Contractions are getting stronger, lasting about 30 seconds now, and not much of a break in between. They're not unbearable, I can still talk my way thru them, but there's just no break. So I'm asking for more drugs shortly. I am to get another pill inserted around 9:15a, while I would love it we didn't have to do another round, I have a feeling we might still need that one. Time will tell.

HEHEHEHEHE

Dilaudid is quite a nice drug. I'm feeling much better right now, a bit drunk. I'm having what I am thinking are contractions, but I've never done this before, so... they're not painful, but a bit uncomfy, lasting only about 20 seconds or so? a few minutes apart.

This waiting pretty well sucks ass.

Quickly

i only have one hand to type, so updates will be short. IV is in, drugs are in. I have the urge to laugh uncontrolably. i dont remember what they gave me. the pain was all in my back so it was time. next pill in 15 minutes, pray for progress......

We are still waiting.

I took my Ambien and it helped a lot. I was able to fall asleep fast, though I woke up a lot. At about 1:15am our new nurse came in, Shawna, along with the doc to do the next pill. Still a fingertip dialated, no real progress, the doc figured out that for some reason the last pill didn't dissolve fully, so she had to DIG IT OUT.

My poor, poor cervix. Yikes!

Put in the next pill and I was able to go to sleep. Until about 20 minutes ago, I woke up with the most intense pressure and pain I've had yet. I took a deep breath and tried to keep calm and then it dawned on me, these aren't really labor pains.... I went to the bathroom and sure enough, diarhea has started (sorry, a bit TMI) but this is a good sign. It means things are progressing as they should.

No increase in pain, just pressure. Like, sorry, but a fart you can't shake loose. Very strange.

So far, I am not a fan of Shawna, the new nurse. The other two nurses didn't push me about having an IV, but Shawna is pushing me to do it. In my drugged state last time around I agreed to do it on this next go round, but I'm going to question it when she comes to do it around 5:30a. I have yet to ask for a single pain medication, I'm drinking my water faithfully, I don't see a need for it, especially not "just in case", they're very uncomfortable for me, so I think I'm going to argue back on that one.

I would really like a cheeseburger and a cigarette at this point. I'm getting quite antsy. We've been here at the hospital since 9:30am, with induction starting at around 1pm, so we're at about 15 hours so far. They said 12-24, 12 has come and gone, so now we continue to wait...

One mroe quick update.

i was just checked and I am a fingertip dilated. You can't really think about things in terms of normal labor, with something like this, I've been told that pretty much out of nowhere I will know that baby is coming, and baby will be there shortly after that. the cervix just kind of opens - not like a traditional labor where it's in gradual stages.

Still, progress is good, and I'm thankful for it.

They're bringing me some Ambien to help me sleep. I haven't gotten much sleep since Saturday when all this started, and only 2 hours last night. I need a clear head to deal with what is to come tomorrow.

If you don't hear from me again tonight I have fallen asleep, and if you don't hear anything by morning, hope for us that it means our baby has been born and passed, and we are enjoying the peace and quiet with him/her.

Round 3

The next round will be coming in shortly. I am sad to report that over the last hour, hour and a half, the mild pains I was having? Yeah, they've gone away. I'm scared of this dragging out forever. I just have to hold onto my patience for now.

We had visitors for a bit, hence my actually PUTTING THE LAPTOP AWAY for a few minutes. We're over an hour from home, so I know not many will be able to come visit, but I know they would if they could.

And I swear I'm going to have Will sneak me in some solid food here soon. My stomach is growling so loud... and Will's outside having a smoke, so I'm alone, nice and quiet in here.... and then my stomach growls and I wonder if the people in the next room can hear it. Dang echo.

I'm still calm, and getting tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm going to attempt a nap in a bit, after this next pill. I'm starting to get a little scared of how much worse the pain will get. It's really nothing at this point, and that seems almost too good to be true. LOL!

And another update...

Cramping isn't necessarily worse, but but is more pressure now. Almost like a bad gas or bloat. It is moving a little into my back, which is now achy, and that's not so fun, but I'm ok. Our good friend Sandy is on her way here with her boyfriend Brian. Hopefully that will amuse us for a little while.

Round 2....

The second pill (well, pills 2 and 3, this time my dose was two tablets) were inserted around 5:15p. Cervix is not dilated at all and is still long. The second round didn't seem to make the cramping any worse, but it is moving around to the back a bit in addition to the front. The nurses keep reminding me that I can have something for the pain anytime I want it, but I have had worse menstrual cramps. So here I sit, trying to find ways to pass the time. A lot of friends have been hopping onto Yahoo IM to talk with me, it keeps me pulled into the real world for a few minutes.

I'm so blessed to have the thoughts and prayers coming my way that I do. I am more at peace than I thought I would be, at this point.

Shift change.

Our first nurse, Colleen, is leaving now, she was very sweet, and we'll miss her. Now a new girl, I think her name is Kathleen? I see nothing wrong with her thus far. Time will tell. My food, however, has still not arrived. Getting cranky, but so far, the cramping/pain isn't any worse. It's easier than a lot of my period cramps, actually.

Time will change that, I bet.

Some random things I am noticing so far... that stand out to me.

There was a girl in the waiting room this morning reading a magazine from the BACK to the FRONT. Very strange.

When they opened the door to our room, there could have been an electric chair in here and I would have felt the same as I did walking into a regular room.

Surprisingly, we've been here for almost 3 hours now, and I'm quite calm. The first dose of medication (which I cannot for the life of me recall the name, though I knew it off the top of my head earlier, but is a small pill inserted onto the cervix), was put in at 1pm. This will happen every four hours as needed.

I don't have an IV, I decided not to put one in until I felt I really needed pain medication, if at all. I'm not in pain, but I am noticing some twinges here and there, and a sharp pain every once in a while, but nothing unbearable.

Unlike some other states, IL does not require the baby to be given anything to stop its heart before the procedure has begun, so as far as we know, baby is still kicking in there. It's hard, at this point, for me to differentiate between possible kicks and twinges of the uterus. we've still got a long way to go. I have asked to not have the fetal heart rate monitored. I don't want to know when baby goes. I am trying to keep that part as peaceful as possible, and keep the memory of that strong heartbeat we last heard as our most recent one.

I'm on a clear liquid diet right now and I am STARVING, I've ordered some food (chicken broth, yay) and I will keep on updating as I feel it's necessary, if have something to say.

Keeping busy and updated...

I've always been the type of person to write out what I am thinking. It helps me process my thoughts, and I like being able to remember stressful situations by reading them, rather than my grasping onto them in my head. The idea of losing the memories upsets me more than thinking about them.

That being said, we leave in an hour, and I'm TERRIFIED. I'm taking a notebook to journal things in case we can't get online, but if we can, then I will update on this blog here. Anyone who cares to read it is welcome to.

I got out the blanket and bear I bought for baby, and they're ready to go with everything else. I really am looking forward to having pictures of the baby with them, and then being able to hold those things anytime I want later. It comforts me already to think about it.

I'm just praying that when this all finally happens, that baby will be at peace, and we will also find some peace in this, and baby is not in any pain.

Trying to keep a record, for myself if anything else...

Today I spoke with both a counselor and a nurse. I am set up to go in to Evanston Hospital at 9:30am tomorrow morning (well, now today), Wednesday, March 18th. We will have an exam, and medical history, then talk to a counselor again, and then go to Labor and Delivery, where they will begin the induction.

I hope, for you, my sweet little baby, that things go smoothly. That there is no pain. That you are finally able to be free, to not be cramped and constricted.

I can't wait to find out if you are a boy or a girl, if you've daddy's nose, or my eyes. I can't wait to see you with my own eyes and see that I was right - that you are perfect in every way, and just not ready to be with us now. i want to see your 10 fingers, and 10 toes, and be amazed at how tiny and yet how complete you are.

But really, I just want this to be over and know that you are ok.

I love you so very much, little one. And I always will. I thought I loved you when I got my positive pregnancy test, but it really happened when I heard your heart beating for the first time.

I will never, ever forget you.

I can't believe I am writing this....

We had our follow up u/s Monday. After showing us in careful detail what we were seeing, the doctor laid things out very clearly for us. The details are a bit fuzzy, since I am still in shock, but the gist of it follows....

There is NO amniotic fluid around our beautiful, sweet baby. Baby has developed normally in size and weight, but the doctors cannot find the stomach (probably due to the fact that there is no fluid to be ingested), and of the 2 kidneys, one is missing, the other is deformed. this is the possible cause of the lack of fluid, since I haven't had any leakage. The cord only has 2 veins, instead of 3, which also has probably contrbuted, and while the heart RATE is strong, because of the lack of fluid, they cannot get a good shot to determine if the heart is developign properly.


The options that were given are few, and not good. We have been told that at this point, the baby's been without fluid for a confirmed 2 days, but possibly up to two weeks, based on my last appointment where I felt "small". Since we know the baby is the right size, we have to assume I felt small bcause I was lacking fluid. We have been told that the chances of the fluid replnishing itself at this point, well, it would be a miracle if it did. The most likely scenario is that the baby would eventually pass away inside me, at which point we would have to induce.


The other option is to terminate. We can do this by a D & E, or by induction and delivery. We've decided to deliver. This way, we are able to have genetic testing AND an autopsy, to give us the msot insight as to why this has happened. Plus, I feel like if my baby will die, I would rather it been sooner than later, I don't want to prolong it, and I can possibly give birth to a living baby, even though we know that will not last more than a minute or two, if we're lucky. But DH and I feel like if the baby will die no matter what, we would like it to happen with us, and not in a D & E. And not prolonged.


We will finalize the date and time tomorrow, and it will be within the next few days.


Thanks you, so so so much, for all your prayers and kind words the last few days. I am in shock and disbelief, but I know that fate prevails, and I know this isn't our last chance. I would rather it happen now than go longer and have a baby survive only to be plagued by problems or defects and live a harder life that way. I'm not a particularly religious person, but do believe God has a plan for all things, and this must be it.


I apologise for typos, or weird grammar, I don't even really know what I'm writing right now. I know I am only halfway along, but those tiny little feet have been kicking the sh*t out of me for a few weeks, and I talk to baby every day, so now I just have to keep telling baby that soon, everything's going to be alright, that he or she will sn have room to move again, not like now. Not cramped with nowhere to go.


And now the sobbing is starting again, so I end this with another thank you. I've gotten so many kind emails over the last few days I can't even begin to name you all.


I don't wish this on anyone.

I am so scared...

I've felt helpless before, but I've never had another life inside me. I've never had a medical problem that I knew so little about. Granted, the doctors don't know much either at this point, which is the whole point of going to a specialist, but it's frustrating.

And worrying about work is a joke. I KNOW I shouldn't. This isn't something I can control. But being the one who carries the insurance, and the one who makes more money, I'm concerned with losing pay, and with upsetting work. I know my boss, Cheri, is a reasonable person, but there's that worry in the back of my head. I like this job. I can see it being a long term thing. I don't want anything to screw it up. It's a great setup for both now and after the baby is born. And it's a job with security, we're hiring while so many others are firing. That's comforting to me, in these times.

I need to stop worrying. It's not good for the baby, or me. I'm just so full of questions, and already tired of being in the house. I don't know what I'm going to do if they put me in the hospital. I'm terrified of them. I could handle it to give birth to this wonderful, sweet little baby, but for something like this, it's just something that I'm not prepared for. I'm afraid it soemhow was my fault that this is happening.

I love you so much already, and I've only been able to hear your heart beat, little one. (Here come the tears!) It almost makes me MAD, how can you love someone so much that you've never seen, only heard a single, tiny, quick little heartbeat? I pity men. They'll never know what this is like. Sure, they get to hear, and see, but it's just not the same.

my "big" ultrasound should not have gone like this...

I had my big ultrasound this morning, and things did not go well. The tech immediately asked me if I had been leaking amniotic fluid, which I said no, because I haven't noticed anything strange. She then wouldn't tell me what was going on, so I cried all the way through it. She finished getting the shots she wanted and asked me to wait there while she called my doctor. Thank god my mom and Will were there, or I would have been hysterical. I heard her on the phone with the doctor and heard her say, with emphasis, a few times, the words 'zero" and "none". Then she asked me to get on the phone with him.

Turns out I have very little amniotic fluid right now, so the doc put me on modified bed rest at home for the weekend, drinking plenty of water. Monday I am not supposed to go in to work,, and call the office at 9am to get my referral to a specialist for another ultrasound. If the fluid levels have gone up, I may be able to go to work and just be on pelvic rest. If they DON'T, then I may be looking at a hospital stay to pump me full of IV fluids.

To top it off, baby was facing my back, and with no fluid, it was very hard for her to get even a clear shot of an arm, so I saw nothing of my baby at all. the only thing I DO know is the heart rate was 157. No pictures, no gender.

It was a disappointing day all around.

An update...

Will and I went to the doctor on Thursday. We were there FOREVER, which I expected, because I haven't yet gone. Thank god for health insurance finally kicking in! I was weighed (found out our home scale is off about 5lbs!!), peed in a cup (I hate doing that! It always goes everywhere!), had a ton of blood drawn, a pap smear (ugh!), and a long talk with the doc about medical history and whatnot.

Now for the not so fun part. Sherry (doc) said that I feel small, which leads her to believe that I may not be as far along as we initially thought. My due date is set, right now, at July 30th, but we go in for an ultrasound on Saturday, March 14th, and she feels I may end up measuring 2 weeks behind. Now, after doing some research, I'm seeing that it COULD be due to that... or it could be that my smoking is affecting growth. Yes, I am still smoking, albeit a lot less, but I'm feeling more guilty about it now that we've had a doc's visit and things are much more real. That, and smoking now causes the baby to move, and I'm starting to get a mental picture of my baby smothering inside me. So I think this is going to stop soon. Sadly, I needed something like this to really encourage me to stop.

The next fun part - I won't have appointments every 4 weeks like I thought, but every 3. Scheduling is going to be a pain, since I'm trying so desperately not to take too much time off work - they've been wonderful so far, and I don't want to jinx things by being off all the time. I'm up for a raise soon too, so I want to do everything I can to get the most I can, haha.

Also, my next appointment was scheduled 2 weeks out instead of 3. Sherry wanted it soon after my ultrasound so we can discuss the results. If I AM measuring behind, then I will still be within the window for the quad screen (for those of you not in the baby-know, it's a blood test, done on me, to determine the risk of having a baby with down's, spina bifida, and other birth defects and whatnot). However, if I am NOT measuring behind, and my uterus is just sitting low, then we will have missed the window for the test. What does that mean? Well, the tests only give an indication of the risk, but we will be giving birth regardless, we've decided, so more or less it would give us forewarning on any problems. Which would be nice, but we don't plan to abort or anything like that, so not getting the test isn't a huge concern for me.

Let's add on another stumbling block, shall we/ I am, obviously, overweight, and thus at high risk for gestational diabetes, so instead of waiting until about 28 weeks or so, I will have my 1 hour glucose screening on March 19th, I'll be between 18-20 weeks at that point. Basically, you drink a flat glucose drink they give you, wait an hour, and then have blood drawn. Testing to see how your body metabolizes the sugar. If I don't pass that, I will have to do a 3 hour test, and if I don't pass that, then I will have to monitor my sweets and whatnot. There might be more involved, it would depend on the severity though. Luckily, they gave the the drink to bring home, so I just have to make sure I drink it at a point so that by the time I get there, I'm close to my hour mark so they can draw the blood on time. Again meaning not as much time off work (thank god!).

But, of course, the most exciting parts were.... 1) we got to hear the heartbeat! It was amazing! Will says it sounded like a racehorse, haha, Sherry says it's strong and within a perfectly normal range (150's) which, if you believe old wive's tales, it's a girl, lol, but I'm still sticking with my boy theory. She also said next time if we want we can record it on a cell phone or something, which I am planning on doing, and then trying to transfer the recording on to one of those little players you get in a recordable card, to put in the scrapbook.

And, most of all, we go for our ultrasound in less than a week! depending on if I am measuring behind or not, I'll be between 18-20 weeks, so as long as baby cooperates, we should be able to find out the sex! So exciting!

And then there's the awesomeness that is.... we're tentatively planning to move on June 1st! So baby should have his/her own room, and mommy and daddy our own space. THANK GOD!

As far as the other updates, well, I am thanking my lucky stars every single day that I am having a pretty easy pregnancy. No morning sickness (except for a day here or there), no weird food aversions or cravings. A lit of back pain, and a moderate amount of TAILBONE pain, and of course I still pee constantly, but i know I could have it so much worse, so I keep my mouth shut.

And let's not forget I have the mott amazing husband and mother in the world, who between the two, keep me happy and healthy and sane. I thank my lucky stars every day for those two.

So, we finally got around to seeing the new Friday the 13th. Thank god we had a free ticket. My popcorn was more exciting. But at least we can say we tried.

What a crazy weekend. Dropkick Murphys on Friday night, came home, got about 5 hours of sleep, spent all day Saturday at a funeral. Came home, Will was asleep by 5pm, me by 6pm. I know he got up for a bit that night but I slept straight through until 7am Sunday. Bummed around for a bit, took a shower, went to Noodles & Co. for lunch, then a movie, then home. PLayed some xBox, will slept, then he went to work. And I was off to bed. Fun but non stop. I'm tiiiiired still!

I GO TO THE DOCTOR ON THURSDAY! Soooooo happy about that one....

No cravings, heartburn gone, nausea gone, boobs don't hurt. Only gained 4lbs. Kind of getting nervous that something's wrong. :(

Yay!

One more week until doc's appointment! I can't wait until I can at least hear this little heartbeat! It will make all this horrible heartburn I have worth it! (haha!)

No cravings at the moment. I could go for some of mom's chicken and dumplings, but I'm not ready to kill for it yet, so I don't consider it a full blown craving. :)

Back to work, just wanted to say YAY on the one more week!

Another week....

17 weeks, 4 days today! And a milestone, I THINK.... after conferring with my trusty Bump girls, I think I felt baby from the outside!!

There was a post earlier where some of the girls were talking about baby being to one side or the other. When I got home from work, just for the heck of it, I felt around my ute area to see if I was lopsided. Not expecting to feel much since I'm not THAT far along. Anyways, I found that I seemed to be more to the left. I pushed in slowly, just kind of probing, not sure if I was even in the right area, and I SWEAR I felt the tiniest of a flick on my fingertips all of a sudden.

Craziness!

No major cravings lately, in fact, the last 2 days my morning sickness is back again with a passion, which SUCKS! Although PB&J sandwiches are really hitting the spot the last week or so.

A week and a half until my doctor's appointment - I can't wait!

And DROPKICK MURPHYS CONCERT ON FRIDAY! This is gonna be a kick ass next two weeks!

A few random thoughts...

Start off with the current cravings... I got in my White Castle craving today and killed that, so for now, nothing. Well, except garlic. had baked mostaciolli and garlic bread for dinner, a bowl of garlic mashed potatoes a lil bit ago, and now craving a Claussen pickle, but I don't think I can fit in in on top of the potatoes!

As for my current state of mind, I'm in baby hyper planning mode. Trying to decide in the span of one night on a crib, changing table, stroller, etc. etc. I guess it would help if I knew what we were having!

I'm also feelin a huge nesting urge, but not here at this house - I want to be out of here! I love my parents dearly and thank the powers that be that they are so loving and supportive, but I am jonesing for our own space again! Not to mention, my nesting urges involve a baby's room that we just can't have here. Can't wait until Wednesday when I get paid and can finally put part of it in savings!!

I'm also torn on names. Not the real birth names, but the now names, like, ok, I admit, I'm a bad mommy-to-be, cause I call this little one the demon spaawn, but somehow, it fits. This child will be the most charismatic, loveable child ever. To everyone else. For Will and I, I think this child will terrorize us to no end. Payback for the pains in the butts we were as kids!!

Ok, off to bed! Little booger drains the energy right out of me!

Another week....

My FIRST, yes FIRST doctor's appointment is on March 5th at 11am. I am doubtful that I'll get anything more than an internal and pap, and everything else will have to be scheduled from there, but I'm still excited. It makes things so much more real. I was terrified that I would never make it there - then out of nowhere I got this new job that just happens to give health insurance very quickly, so YAY, baby gets healthcare! I feel guilty that I'll be almost 20 weeks along when I finally get to the doctor, but I know it could be a lot worse, and I take my vitamins everyday, and other than these dang headaches, I'm not having any weird problems. Now that I have a date though, it's just so much more real, and time is CRAWLING BY!!

I'm starving, and I really should go do hair and makeup for work, so off I go!

Another week....

My FIRST, yes FIRST doctor's appointment is on March 5th at 11am. I am doubtful that I'll get anything more than an internal and pap, and everything else will have to be scheduled from there, but I'm still excited. It makes things so much mroe real. I was terrified that I would never make it there - then out of nowhere I got this new job that just happens to give health insurance very quickly, so YAY, baby gets healthcare! I feel guilty that I'll be almost 20 weeks along when I finally get to the doctor, but I know it could be a lot worse, and I take my vitamins everyday, and other than these dang headaches, I'm not having any weird problems.

A foray into baby blogging...

I blog a lot on myspace, but I also assume that most of my friends don't want to read my random baby posts, so I figured I would start a new blog here specifically devoted to my pregnancy complaints (LOL!). I love people's blogs talking about their cravings and feeligns and such so here's my own.

Current cravings:
WHITE CASTLE (OMG I could kill for it)

Current complaints:
This headache I've head for about 3 weeks can bite the big one, but other than that, feeling pretty good.

I really want to go to the zoo today! I've been dying to go for weeks now but it's just too cold. I'm leaning towards a zoo-themed nursery (if we end up having a nursery; more on that later) so I think that's where my obsession comes from.

I think, also, I'm just tired of being in the house. I've FINALLY got some energy back, but Will sleeps during the day at works at night, so I spend my weekends sitting around doing nothing, since I don't want him to feel left out. Ugh. On the one hand, I hate that he works 3rd shift, on the other, I feel blessed that he's got a job, since so many other people don't, AND we aren't going to have to put baby in daycare as long as he's working 3rd shift, so that's a definite plus!